GamesBeat

The Seanbaby Advice Column: Episode Zero

During my time with EGM, it was my job to destroy but sometimes love terrible games. And I’m happy to say that after several years and five PlayStation suicides…Mission Accomplished. They have stopped making bad games.

This won me the Congressional Nintendo Seal of Official Nintendo Sealing, and impressed the founders of Bitmob so much that they put me in charge of something even more important: fixing the lives of its readers and contributors.

Do you have a problem you can’t solve? Do you have a question you can’t answer? Send it to letters@bitmob.com with the subject “Seanbaby.”

You might ask, “Mr. Baby, how will your experience with Jenga on the Nintendo Wii help me?” Stop making your problems about me. My Nintendo Wii and I have looked into the eyes of the Devil. There is bacteria living in a fat person’s septic tank that wouldn’t touch some of the games I’ve played. So unless you want to drag your thumbs through hell like I have, I’m the only chance you’ve got….

 

My unique sets of skills are at your disposal. I can tell you which Final Fantasy games to avoid if you think you might be straight, and which ones are great to play while a man cups your breast and shampoos your moustache.

Whether you’re going for the kill-screen in the Gallagher arcade game or unsure which Dora the Explorer game is right for your hilariously slow toddler, I’m your man. Or maybe you hate videogames and simply need to know how many punches it takes to get all the revenge out of a face. Send your questions!

Let me put the mess of your life back together. Or let me just help with your everyday problems. Maybe you need to know whether or not something called “Barnyard Fun” is a kid’s show or pornography before you pay-per-view it. I’ll give you the insider know-how to avoid an embarrassing pornography party! Tip #1: Does the description mention all of someone’s holes getting filled? If it does, watch it with someone you love and a stranger that the two of you are high fiving on the end of.

Oh, look at me go on. I look forward to your questions, Bitmob readers!


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