GamesBeat

Seanbaby Advice Column Episode 01

Thanks everyone for their questions. Let’s get started.

Dear Dr. Baby,

In the event that one would want to create a game using the likeness and mass brainwashing abilities of Oprah, what would advice such a gamemaker to do? Gameplay ideas would be well appreciated so that the Oprah empire can continue its march towards global domination.

Somewhat Sincerely,
Matthew Moore

You sort of turned Yoda at the tail end of that first sentence, but I think I see what you’re getting at. You want me to design an Oprah videogame. OK. NINJA CRIME IS RAMPANT IN US. OPRAH IS NO EXCEPTION. ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO OPRAH?

 

 

 

Dr. Sean

Why the f*** are women so re******? How do I get them away from the assholes that treat them like shit and get with a guy like me? Do have to start being douche just to get some attention??

Sincerely,
Victor S.

I have some good news for you, Victor. You already are a douche, so if your Plan B is TRYING to be a douche, give it a shot.

Women are fine with nice guys. You’re not one of them, but if you were, I’d tell you that the problem with "nice" is that it isn’t really anything. A hot woman, which I assume is the kind you’re talking about in your letter, gets hit on by every guy she has or ever will meet. Is she supposed to sleep with every clumsy pussy vagrant, like yourself, who thinks to be polite while he forces small talk until he thinks of a way to ask for sex? That woman wouldn’t have time to take her AIDS medicine between trips to the delivery room.

Being wonderfully pleasant and agreeable isn’t sexy to hot women. That’s how waiters or doormen behave, and I’ve never seen a woman leave with one of those. But only an idiot would think the solution is to do the exact opposite and act like an asshole. If you meet a woman, act rude to her, and if she sleeps with you, expect an emotional breakdown several minutes later and 75 voicemails after you finally get the crazy bitch and her daddy issues out of your home. Lonely masturbation wins over that any day, even if someone catches you.

Try to ease off on the compliments and worship and work on being interesting enough that she could pick you out of a lineup later. If all you talk about is how attracted you are to her, you might as well take your wiener out and whimper.

You can visit your local Internet for books or videos on chick hounding, but most of these are specialized for picking up the type of girls who flash their tits for a T-shirt. And these girls have had so much of their time taken up with one-liners and game that they’ve never developed the ability to be entertaining. That means the post-coitus activities dry up pretty fast. To pick up regular, nonsluts, try to fix yourself so they want to hang out with you. Maybe by being a puppy, or the perfect shoe.

 


 

I need more crude and off humor. What do you suggest? I have always liked Broken Pixels but I am not sure if there will be any more. Will you be working on anything like that for Bitmob? Thanks for reading.

-Jason L. (Katch)

There’s probably enough footage to Frankenstein together another few episodes of Broken Pixels, but when UGO bought 1UP, that meant most people at 1UP had to go get new jobs. And then, since they had all these 1UP people, most of the people at UGO had to go get new jobs too. I’m not an economist, but I think they meant to do that. Most of business is madmen pointlessly shoving money around until there’s some sort of glitch in paperwork where one of them gets really rich and everyone else lobbies to change paperwork regulations. Regardless, there are only six or seven people left in the videogame enthusiasm/journalism industry, and I don’t think any of them have time to put together a comedy show.

There was also some Broken Pixels controversy with a sponsor having a problem with a political-incorrect slur I used to describe a certain game and how much it likes kissing men on the penis. Someone in the upper management decided the best solution was bending over his desk and letting the sponsor get a running start at his eager, tender flower. So even if it starts back up, I imagine it’ll be kept at a PG-13 level. Which, if you sit three grown men in front of liquor and this particular game, is a little something I like to call "impossible."

 


 

Seanbaby,

When I saw the advice column post at Bitmob I thought, ‘Hey, awesome! I have a few questions to ask." Unfortunately, my first one isn’t comical in nature, but rather a bit more serious. With you being a veteran of the games press and all, I’m hoping you can answer it.

How does freelancing work? I understand the basic concept, but I’m curious as to how the back end between editor and freelance writer works. Does it have any thing to do with freelance police work, and if so, do I need "music to drive recklessly by"?

Anyhow, I look forward to your response and promise next time I’ll think of some thing funny to ask. Perhaps some thing to do with homosexuality.

Regards and hugs.
-Karl R.

Thanks for your question, Karl. First, let’s deal with the forced cuteness surrounding it: I can’t tell whether I want to look at you blankly or punch you in the face. And the Internet can suck it for not letting me do either.

As for freelance writing, you’re a contractor trading words for money. There not only isn’t any back end, they can change words around after you give it to them. An editor might butcher the setup to a joke to make the columns look nicer, or copy edit might ruin your timing by "fixing" sentence structure. I’m in a pretty dress. [You were right, Seanbaby. -Ed]

The only real way for a freelancer to get rich is to work a lot. Right now, the guy who invented the Pet Rock is hunting the deadliest prey, man, with that big Pet Rock money. And the freelancer that wrote the copy for the Pet Rock retail box is somewhere else, typing about toilet cleaner. If you want that "one big break" money, be a lottery ticket owner, not a freelance writer. That being said, because of my work in various magazines, I get a $9 check every time Phil Collins is photographed without any balls in his mouth. So any day now, that money’s going to be rolling in!

 


 

Hey Baby,

In an endeavor to help inspire some Xbox independent game developers to create an Xbox Community Game with the Sean Baby Seal of Approval, could you supply a concept and list of features that you would like to see in an indie game? This could be your "dream game," but please keep in mind there are limited time and resources available to develop this game.

Truly yours,
- Justden

P.S. Even if they were to be inspired, that should not in any way imply that an actual game would ever be started and/or completed.

The perfect game concept was already invented when Technos made River City Ransom. You take Double Dragon, you add RPG elements, and you’re done. Treasure gave it a shot with a game called Guardian Heroes on the Sega Saturn, but they made the mistake of actually going with an RPG theme, as if we’d want to do karate combos with a cleric. Clerics are for teaching your girlfriend how to play Dungeons and Dragons, not for fun.

Along those lines, I’m also pretty sure that Dead Rising was the most perfect game ever before they implemented the mission structure, interface, save system, story…. I’m getting off topic, though. If you want the perfect game, your girlfriend The President is kidnapped, and you hit the streets until she isn’t. Along the way, you modify and upgrade how you kick ass, quickly discovering that zombies were in on it.

 


 

Help! Fanboys give me so much shit and call me biased. What can I do?

Dan "Shoe" Hsu

Dear Mr. Shoe,

I understand that every issue you put out without a Dragon Ball Z cover led to 500 letters calling you, among other things, a biased journalist. Let’s use the power of imagination to see if it solves our problem. First, imagine someone you really respect. It can be a relative, a celebrity, a teacher — they can even be fictional — it doesn’t matter. Now that you have them in your head, try to picture them writing a letter like that.

It’s hard, isn’t it? That’s because "You’re biased" is basically code for, "My stupid mom only bought me a Wii and an XBOX, but she took the XBOX away because I got four Fs! I read your magazine, so until I get my grades up and collect enough birthday money for a PS3, why would you even cover XBOX and PS3? Because you’re Microsoft and Sony’s bitch, that’s why. P.S. How do I win the Mountain Dew’s Pokemon Into Summer Sweepstakes?"

You might not be in a position to just ignore pathetic people, so I guess you could work on trying to please everyone. The ice-cream sandwich industry does it every single day.

 


 

Mr. Baby,

How will I ever tackle the daunting backlog that I have accumulated over the years. I want to play every game to completion but by the time I finish, the PS4 and XBOX 720 will have been out in stores for several years. Please help me; you’re my only hope. And can you help me in a way that also expresses the furious rage that you feel for Phil Collins.
Possibly in sussudio crystals? Thank you.

Garry (NCRAM88=N.C. Ram88)

Su-Su-Sudio crystals are only used to measure sadness, so I wouldn’t be doing my job if my advice could use them as a rating system. I’ll try not take your ignorance as an insult.

As for speeding up game-beating, sometimes I watch movies and shows on a nearby second TV. It makes subtitled movies into chittering moon language, but it all comes down to what you’re willing to give up. Obligations might mean sacrificing a game or two. There’s an urban legend about a kid playing Warcraft that didn’t want to get up for the bathroom so he took a crap in a sock — he chose to make a different kind of sacrifice. I wouldn’t advise going in this direction.

 


 

Hi Seanbaby,

Your public defamation of Phil Collins in EGM has never, to my knowledge, led to any response from the Grammy Award-winning musician, composer, and actor. To what degree do you believe that you, Seanbaby, would need to further insult the man in order for him to challenge you to a fistfight? If you alone are not capable, do you believe Uwe Boll is more suited to the task? I am anxiously awaiting pay-per-view news of this bout, credit card in hand.

Thanks,
Nick

If you follow Uwe Boll and my careers, we have one thing in common: We both do our best to solve disagreements with violence. If you say fighting never solves anything, you’re probably a pussy who was once somebody else’s problem, and that problem was solved upside your ass. I don’t think Phil Collins lives by this code.

Uwe Boll issues a fight challenge every single time someone is misguided enough to give him an interview. This is because he’s a medical side effect, and constant impact is the only thing that keeps his DNA from unraveling. I prefer fighting to arguing because thinking up funny comebacks feels too much like my day job. Both of us have discovered that outside of seventh grade and octagons, no one actually fights anymore.

The idea of Phil Collins accepting a fight is a beautiful dream, but my defamation of him has been so savage and bizarre that I doubt he can wrap his head around it. I mean, what do you say to a guy who claims you have temporary housing in your mouth for the visiting families of all the dongs who compete there? Phil would probably shout to the man in charge of reading his e-mail, "Tasty and Lefty might sound like a detective show, but it’s actually what I’ve just named your balls, mate!"

And that’s it for this month. If you have a problem you can’t solve or a question you can’t answer, send it to letters@bitmob.com with the subject "Seanbaby."


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