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The Family Reunion of Gaming

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Family reunions are some of the most memorable moments of the year. It's when the old meet the young, the eccentric meet the conservative, and the black sheep mingle with the shining standards. And if comedy movies have taught us anything, it's that this is a recipe for hilarity and disaster. 

Well if, any "family" has a good mix of the mentioned characters, it's the video-game industry. My family reunions are pretty crazy. Let's see what happens if video games decided to have one.


Super Mario Bros. 3: Old Grandpa Frank

Yes, Grandpa, I know you're a legend. I know you paved the way for us to get rich, but that doesn't change that you're an old timer. Yeah, it was cool when you'd pull quarters from behind our ears back in the day, but none of us need quarters to play games anymore. Oh, and are those liver spots on your head or is that just the 8-bit graphics playing tricks on my mind?

 

Madden NFL: Conceited Football-Star Cousin

I'm not going to lie: It was kind of amazing that you had this pro-football thing down and all, and I was mass jealous. But seriously, man, you're running out of things to talk about. Like, every year we do this, all you do is wear a more expensive jersey and memorize more of the roster. I mean, if I want to talk about football, you're my guy…but I think people are noticing that all you do every year is put more and more mousse in your hair and recite the lineup for all 32 teams.


Grand Theft Auto 4 : Your Eccentric Paternal Uncle Stu

Uncle Stu, I really thought you were cool when I was younger. I thought how you could impersonate any ethnicity "perfectly" was awesome, and the times when you took me to the bumper cars were some of the best times of my life. I'm starting to realize, however, that your so-called "impressions" seem to represent some hurtful stereotypes and the "bumper cars" you always used to take me to were actually just you crashing your Mercedes into lampposts as you tried to evade the cops. And why the hell does your cousin always call you to go bowling? Didn't he die like 5 years ago?


Saints Row 2: Level-Headed Uncle Larry

Uncle Larry, I don't care if you're not as rich as Stu. At least you're sane…and you know how to have fun. What's that? You wanna go spray sewage all over our neighbors' houses? Hell, why not. It'll give us an excuse to get out of here. I think Grandpa Frank just s*** himself again. Last time Mom made me change him, and I found the diaper was full of quarters.


Sonic Unleashed: Your Shady Stepbrother, Derrick

Derrick, I really need to talk to you. We know you've been using again. I found a vial of 3D underneath your bed. You know that you have a severe reaction to that stuff. I know it's the "in" thing right now, but ever since you started using it, you haven't been the same man. You've been sloppy, careless, and your work has declined in quality. I mean, you and I were never close, but I don't want to see you end up like this. We had such high hopes for you.


Mass Effect: Nerdy Younger Brother Jimmy

Jimmy, you're a deep guy. You and I have been on a lot of adventures together, and you're one hell of a friend. So I hate bursting your bubble like this…but you know that the only reason you became so popular is because of that sex tape you made with that one chick, right?


Modern Warfare 2: Conservative Aunt Annabelle

You're a great American. You really are. But you may be going a bit far with this blatant and unfounded hatred for the Russians. I mean…the Cold War is over. I understand still resenting the Russians, but isn't writing fan-fiction about it kind of pushing it? I mean…they already made Red Dawn, and that was already toeing the line. Just saying…I wouldn't piss off the Russians.


Manhunt 2: "I watch Professional Wrestling" Billy

First off…how are you even related to us? Like no one's gotten the guts to ask you but I don't know if you really belong here. First time we met it was kind of cool that we did that traditional "family wrestling match," but things started to go downhill once you started making up your own moves.

The Full "Toilet Tank Cover" Nelson put me into a coma for 3 days, and the only reason I didn't press charges is because I heard the next move you were working on involved fishing line, a saucepan, and a can of black olives, and I didn't want to piss you off.

Seriously Billy, you can't fight your way into the spotlight with violence.


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