It’s time to take a stand. For too long, those corporate fatcats at Sony have given us thousands of hours of glorious entertainment without handing over the keys to the kingdom! This has to stop. The unconstitutional actions taken by Sony against our comrade-in-arms, George “geohot” Hotz cross the line. We demand restitution! Our ceaseless campaign of prank phone calls won’t stop until our demands are met forthwith!
Apart from Playstation 1, Playstation 2, Playstation 3, Metal Gear Solid, Uncharted, Resistance, Grand Theft Auto, Final Fantasy Tactics, Xenogears, PSN, and Gran Turismo, what has Sony ever done for us? Nothing, that’s what!
The tree of liberty must be airbrushed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants, and that’s what we’re doing—airbrushing history with our own laws and vanquishing the tyranny of Sony.
We forthwith make the following demands:
1) Sony must unequivocally release all hardware specifications for the PlayStation 3 and the forthcoming NGP. We are entitled to avail ourselves of Sony’s trade secrets. Every individual who purchases a PS3 must be given a code to unlock it.
2) Sony must immediately discontinue all DRM measures, as these unlawfully impede the consumers’ god-given right to steal. Users should be allowed to “pirate” as long as they send Sony a letter indicating that they don’t wish to purchase the game in question. Fair is fair.
3) Sony must drop all charges against geohot and his fellow freedom fighters. You wouldn’t imprison George Washington would you? Mr. Hotz must be restituted for his heroic actions in exposing Sony’s corporate oligarchy.
4) Sony must immediately stop making shitty movie games. Seriously, they all suck. Catwoman is a blight upon humanity.
5) Sony must divulge the phone numbers and e-mail addresses of its staff so we can taunt them again!
Failure to meet our demands will be met with swift retribution:
- Our crack team of hackers will discover the personal residences of Sony Executives and initiate “Operation Canine Feces.” We will obtain 500 brown paper bags, of dimensions 3” x 5” x 10”, and simultaneously procure 1 ton of fresh canine feces (human feces will suffice). We will then fill the brown paper bags with the feces, utilize a portable ignition device to set the bags ablaze, and place them on the Executives’ doorsteps.
- We will hack Sony’s phone directory and call them childish names relentlessly! No one will be safe from our taunting!
- We will immediately stop purchasing the games we pirate! Sony will never recover from losing us as valued customers!
We are legion. You have been warned.
GamesBeat 2014 — VentureBeat’s sixth annual event on disruption in the video game market — is coming up on Sept 15-16 in San Francisco. Purchase one of the first 50 tickets and save $400!