How to be better at online games!

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Do you watch those elite, God-like players in online multiplayer games and marvel at how they effortlessly stomp weaker, fatter and less attractive people than themselves? Are you one of these aforementioned losers and wish desperately to climb up the social gaming ladder, but you don't know where to start? Well, good news! I happen to be one of these supreme specimens of gaming royalty and I'm going to share my secrets with you! Whether you regularly lose to the BR in Halo: Reach or die 20 times a game in League of Legends, this guide will pull you out of your virtual quagmire. By the time you finish applying Scott's three simple steps of success to your play style, women will be falling over you, you'll finally get that promotion you've always wanted, and your family dog that "ran away" will suddenly come back to life! So what are we waiting for?!

1. Ragequit – Anyone who's anyone knows how awesome and unbeatable they are when they step into the online arena. When you beat the single player campaign on Easy, nobody can stop you! So what's going on when the impossible happens, and you start losing? It's obvious, really. The other team is hacking, giving themselves bonuses while weakening you. Or there's copious amounts of lag, and the bullet you were a moment away from firing was infected, leaving some lucky noob that split second opening to pop you through the skull. It's cheating, it's unfair, and your inhuman gaming talent should not be tarnished by such atrocities.

Therefore, you ragequit. You drop out of the game, leaving your well meaning and honest teammates to fend for themselves against the horde of cheaters you were cruelly pitted against. It increases your skill level when you leave a game without losing, because it means your loss ratio isn't affected. You can just point those doubting Thomases to your awesome win-to-loss score and let them wallow in their own tears of failure. Added cool points if you do so right after a totally unfair death, which just rams home the principle that you won't tolerate cheaters.

2. Excessive profanity – Swearing at things is cool, right? So swearing ad nauseum about how much your teammates suck or how cheap it is for someone to camp a point with a sniper rifle only makes you cooler! Whether you're cursing your throat coarse through a microphone or filling the screen with profane, repetitive text, everyone will appreciate just how easily you detect everyone's mistakes and will realise what an amazing alpha-gamer you are! Plus, since your keen eye spots so many flaws in your teammates, you can obviously see them in yourself (ha, like that would ever happen, but for argument's sake) and correct them at lightning speed. Not only does senseless, no-holes-barred cursing make you more popular, but it makes you a better player too!

3. Single player sensation – Don't buy into that "there's no I in team" nonsense. Team based games exist solely to give a handicap to those gamers who just plain suck. Since you're the unsung gaming champion of your generation, you don't need such petty crutches. You know that when you charge headfirst into a one versus five confrontation like an aggravated bull, you'll be the last one standing. An overwhelming number disadvantage is no match to a well placed grenade, or sheer pigheaded bravado! Your overpowered skills and reflexes surpass anything that gets in your way.

However, your unbelievable awesomeness will become the envy of your peon teammates. They won't say so directly, but they'll chastise you for getting the last hit on that enemy they were too weak to slay (they'll often say you killsteal, but as if they would get the kill without your help!) or when one of those aforementioned lag spikes occurs just before a "you versus the world" scenario you're so seasoned with. Being told what to do only serves to chain your leet skills to the wall. Simply chalk it up to their sad, hopeless failures as gamers. If you really want to drive home the fact that you are a gaming deity, challenge them to a one on one duel. After all, what better way is there of proving your worth in a team based game than ignoring all context of the intended playstyle?

There you have it. Following these three steps will make you the king of online multiplayer. You're already behind the curve, unfortunately; many others have discovered these secrets (probably from hacking me) and are vehemently practicing all of them, so you better start now!

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