GamesBeat

If video games were celebrities

This post has been edited by the GamesBeat staff. Opinions by GamesBeat community writers do not necessarily reflect those of the staff.

As much as we'd like to consider video games their own industry, they're still a part of the larger "entertainment " conglomerate. As such, it's easy to draw parallels between the human stars that boost ratings for their shows and the video games which boost sales for their developers.

Let the fun begin. 


Call of Duty is…

Zooey Deschanel

They became wildly popular over the last few years for reasons few people can actually explain. On the outside, they seem new, vibrant, and accessible to all newcomers, but when you get down to it, you realize that, under all the glitz and “originality,” everything they do is pretty formulaic.

(Yeah, I said it. Zooey’s carefully constructed “awkwardness” is as formulaic as Call of Duty.)
 


Mass Effect is…

 

Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton

Ornate and eloquent, Mass Effect can hold a listener’s attention with subtle voice inflection and inspirational set pieces. Every scene is an ornate symphony for one’s ears — like having the world’s most gifted orator whisper the Harry Potter series into your ear while giving you a back massage.

Oh, and the publicized sex scandal made it more popular.


Dolph Lungren

Half Life 2 is…

Dolph Lundgren

Who says nerds can’t be badasses? The similarities between them are striking. One the one hand, we have a scientist with glasses who can open up inter-dimensional portals, has a full suit of body armor, and owns an entire alien race through his mastery over gravity. On the other hand, we have a Swedish man who got all As in school, received numerous scholarships to American universities, has a degree in chemical engineering and an IQ of around 160, and is a 6’5” Karate champion…. Wait.

Why the hell wasn’t Dolph Lungren in Half Life instead of Gordon Freeman?


Gears of War is…

Michael Bay

Michael Bay

Tries to trick you into believing it’s deep with a compelling story when in reality, it’s just a bunch of noise tucked in between overdone action sequences. Yet weirdly, we keep watching.


Metal Gear Solid 4 is…

Liam Neeson

Liam Neeson

Sure, it’s pretty much a statistical fact that the old and senile are horrible drivers, kind of cranky, hard of hearing, and generally unpleasant to be around. But then along comes the one old fart that can still kick your ass, and you realize you really do have to respect all your elders. If you don’t, you run the risk of getting your ass kicked by Qui-Gon Jinn or having your entire ludicrous terrorist organization taken down by a chain smoker.


Dead Space is…

Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers
Photographic proof that necromorphs exist.


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