[UPDATE: Walmart has replaced the original product description with text copied directly from Blizzard. Luckily, I took a picture (below).]
Walmart.com’s hilariously uninformed and grammatically unsound product description for Diablo III has been spreading across the Internet today. The unfortunate blurb on the store’s website includes such head-scratching comments as “The Diablo III PC/Mac Game revolves around an interesting plot which will keep you spell bound. while you are playing” and “Bring home the PC video game to solve the mysteries of the mighty Barbarians.”
To be fair, anyone who knows how ridiculous that description is has already decided whether or not they’re buying the game on Tuesday, and people who don’t know what Diablo is probably shouldn’t be looking to that site for their purchasing decisions. The Internet likes to have its fun, though, so I think it would be in Walmart’s best interests to start writing up every product this way. I’ll get them started with my own made-up descriptions for some of the biggest releases coming out this year.
Max Payne 3
Max Payne 3 is an action-shooter game for the Xbox 360/PlayStation 3/PC. It is a game where you shoot guys and take Max Payne’s trademark pain killers. Fight your way through an engrossing action pulp action story and take Max Payne to such exotic locales as New York, Rio de Janeiro, and stadium. Keep fighting for revenge no matter what! gets in your way.
Max Payne 3 Xbox360/Playstation 3/PC Game:
- Fight through legions of enemies as the legendary Max Payne
- Max Payne’s hair changes dynamically to fit the story
- Use guns and take cover to engage in action.
Fight many zombies as iconic character Juliet in this Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 game Lollipop Chain Saw. Juliet knows about zombies because she studied really hard. She is in high school. Take your trusty chainsaw and best friend head to work on the evil foes to destroy their plot and solve their mind-bending puzzles. There will be only one cheerleader left at the end of this awful night, and you’d better believe it’s going to be this one.
Lollipop Chainsaw Xbox360/Playstation 3 Game:
- Fight zombies with kicks and pom-poms and, as always, the sharpest chainsaw in the world
- Dress up in cute outfits to gain magical powers and abilities
- Engage in hardcore coop mode with your best friend, Head.
Resident Evil 6
Zombies are back in the latest chapter of the epic surviving horror classic series. Series heroes Leon F. Kennedy and Chris Redfield join forces for the first time to fight the dreaded “C Virus” once again in a crazy post-apocalyptic wasteland. This horror game continues to prove how dangerous zombies are, and it’s up to you to beat them down for good on the Xbox 360 and/or Playstation 3.
Resident Evil 6 Xbox 360/PlayStation 3 Game:
- Fight zombies! More zombies you ask? Yes, way more
- Unleash powerful weapons like Pistol and Shotgun, that only the most elite players can master.
Assassin’s Creed III
It has been a few years, but The Assassin is back on the Xbox 360 and PlaySation 3. In this action-stealth-city game, The Assassin travels back in time to stop anti-American forces before they can stop the future from happening. You don’t have to have played the other games to understand this one. Many people will be killed if they get in The Assassin’s way on his quest of vengeance and justice.
Assassin’s Creed III Xbox 360/PlayStation 3 Game:
- Return to the Amnious, the mysterious source of The Assassin’s power
- Ride on horses for the first time since the last game
- Play the single player game in engaging multiplayer battles that add many features like Stealth Kills and Hiding.
The fun doesn’t have to stop here; you can see plenty of actual “highlights” from Walmart’s game section here.
GamesBeat 2012 is VentureBeat’s fourth annual conference on disruption in the video game market. This year we’re calling on speakers from the hottest mobile, social, PC, and console companies to debate new ways to stay on pace with changing consumer tastes and platforms. Join 500+ execs, investors, analysts, entrepreneurs, and press as we explore the gaming industry’s latest trends and newest monetization opportunities. The event takes place July 10-11 in San Francisco, and you can get your early-bird tickets here.
GamesBeat 2014 — VentureBeat’s sixth annual event on disruption in the video game market — is coming up on Sept 15-16 in San Francisco. Purchase your ticket now to save $200!