Once again, we load up on knowledge from our dedicated servers!
You’d think after waiting 12 years for a new Diablo game, everyone would be a little more patient. But no, the millions who bought Diablo III all wanted to play it right at 12:01 a.m. on launch day, immediately crashing the servers. That's what happens when you get greedy, punks! And because the game's digital rights management (DRM) system requires a persistent Internet connection to work, that unwashed, potato-sniffing rabble even ruined the fun for innocent preteen virgins who just wanted to play the single-player campaign!
But what say you, panel of experts? Enjoying your Diablo III experience so far?
“It is Zen in a game. You sit quietly in the misty moonlight, waiting…waiting…as the sounds of nature calmly wash over you. As you wait. And sit. Waiting. Forever. Oooohmmm….”
- Ryu, Super Street Fighter IV
“I have stared at those crows for many hours, and as a man who often works with birds, I tell you they are not to be trusted. Also, I have named them all Hector.”
- Ezio Auditore da Firenze, Assassin's Creed: Revelations
“Not cool, dude. Tying a single-player campaign to online servers is like KISS writing a song that’s not expressly about getting laid.”
- Eddie Riggs, Brutal Legend
“Catastrophic server failure now standard for all DRM-game launches. No planning? No preparation? Release date a secret? No! Knew pre-order numbers! Had midnight launch events! Still caught like epileptic deer in planet-sized strobe light! Unfortunate repetition of events. Definition of "insanity." Also "stupidity," "incompetence," "politics," "fly fishing."
- Mordin Solus, Mass Effect 3
"I'd lined up with the rest of the lemmings, all of us thinking we'd jump off that cliff and fly. Too bad a lemming's not as aerodynamically sound as a used sandwich."
- Max Payne, Max Payne 3
“I’ve got a solution that’ll fix everything. Piracy.”
- Ridley, Metroid: Other M
“I also have an Error 37. It pops up when I accidentally try to connect with someone on an emotional level instead of just stabbing them with a crab fork."
- HK-47, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
"Please. You don't own that game. That was a $60 rental fee. You de facto agreed to our terms, accessible from the main menu, by accessing the main menu. And if you don't like it, I can send large men with single-digit IQs over to repossess the game, your computer, and the three fingers of your choice. Always read the fine print!"
- Rufus Shinra, Final Fantasy VII
"Are we sure they didn't just decide to push back the release date a few days and not tell anyone?"
- Nathan Drake, Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception
- Diablo, Diablo III
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