The Need for Speed motion picture is reportedly on the fast track (no pun intended) for production and will hit theaters in 2014. While the movie already has a script (from She’s Out of My League producer George Gatins), it currently lacks a cast. No worries, GamesBeat is ready to shift into gear or some other car-related idiom, and we’ll figure out the perfect actor for each role.
After breaking down the archetypes of The Fast and the Furious, we’ve discovered that each film has a hero (Paul Walker), an anti-hero (Vin Diesel), the fuzz (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson), and a girl (Jordana Brewster). We’ve scoured our film vault, and after realizing that it only consists of four of the seven Police Academy movies on VHS, we went to the Internet Movie Database to unearth the best potential cast to plug into these roles.
Who Dreamworks should get
A Need for Speed movie must feature tons of fun driving action, but it will also have to make the audience care about that action. The best way to do that is through characters we can relate to, which begins with a strong cast. We think Logan Marshall-Green would make an excellent hero playing off of Idris Elba as his anti-hero. They just worked together in Prometheus, as the lead scientist and captain of the Prometheus (respectively), but we shouldn’t hold that against them.
Meanwhile, Jason Statham (he of Cranked fame) could stretch his legs as a dirty cop who locks up anyone with a need for anything over 35 miles per hour. Zoe Saladana (Uhura from the 2009 Star Trek) would make a stunning leading lady as she is both beautiful and talented. Hopefullly, all that blue paint she wore in Avatar has washed off.
Who Dreamworks will actually get
Of course, Hollywood often thinks that acting isn’t as important as appealing to market demographics. That’s why we’ll probably get a Need for Speed cast led by Nicholas Cage. For some reason, this receding-hairline-on-legs still gets work. He starred in driving films like Gone in 60 Seconds and Drive Angry, so he’ll probably get shoehorned into this as well.
For the anti-hero and cop roles, how does a pair of wrestlers sound? The kind of people who play video games all love wrestling, right? Just get that jean-short guy John Cena and then someone who will do anything for a paycheck. Rowdy Roddy Piper? From, like, 30 years ago? Sure, why not?
For the lead female, don’t worry about hiring an actress. Just get the prettiest thing that would never in 14-billion years ever be interested in Nick Cage, and then put her in small clothes. A model would be best, because her lines will be two-words long and the director of photography will be too busy framing every shot around her butt.
The only cast that gamers will be happy with
Gamers are opinionated and nearly impossible to please. They will never truly accept a Hollywood version of one of their games unless it perfectly meshes with their expectations. What do gamers want from a video-game movie? Nathan Fillion. This actor from the cult-favorite sci-fi show Firefly and the currently not-canceled ABC mystery Castle has cast a spell over a wide legion of fans. Anytime some L.A. producer starts talking about turning a game into a movie, Fillion’s name immediately pops up on message boards as the favorite to fill every role.
We can see it now: Innocent hero Fillion bickers with anti-hero Fillion, who gets them both into trouble before hero Fillion falls in love with girl Fillion. Police officer Fillion is having none of it, but anti-hero Fillion teaches hero Fillion to ignore authority, which gives him the confidence to win the heart of girl Fillion. Fin.
Actually, we’d totally watch that.