Sony’s answer to Nintendo’s Super Smash Bros. pits some of the most popular PlayStation heroes and villains against each other. Recognizable characters like God of War’s Kratos, Uncharted’s Nathan Drake, and Twisted Metal’s Sweet Tooth have been confirmed as playable fighters, but the final roster is yet to be determined by the game’s developers.
Sadly, it’s unlikely that All-Stars Battle Royale will feature every Sony first-party series — the publisher just has too many franchises for this to be a reasonable expectation. Let’s take a look at some Sony properties that probably won’t make it into the game due to poor sales, overall weirdness, or horrible design.
Robbit (Jumping Flash!) -- As a character in one of the most underrated titles on the original PlayStation, Jumping Flash's Robbit soared over the competition in terms of sheer fun factor and charm. The robotic rabbit has been missing in action for over 10 years. It's time to bring this tin can back.
Captain Blasto (Blasto) -- This muscle-bound, galactic hero's quest was met with mixed emotions because it suffered from unbalanced controls and frustrating difficulty. Even worse, Blasto's voice actor (Phil Hartman) passed away shortly after the game's release, basically taking any possible sequels with him to the grave.
Polygon Man -- Early Sony magazine ads for the PlayStation featured the purple, blocky creep known as "Polygon Man." He was to become a spokesman for the console, but instead he became a magician and disappeared...forever.
Gaius (Shadow of the Colossus) -- The walking skyscraper is just too freaking tall to be a playable character in All-Stars. He, or any other colossus, would fit better as a stage obstacle where players would need to avoid his attacks and/or climb him.
Jet Moto driver (Jet Moto) -- While not as popular as Gran Turismo, SingleTrac's Jet Moto caused quite a splash with its speedy hover-bikes that raced over land and water. Sadly, the franchise lies parked in an abandoned, locked garage somewhere, and no one can find the keys.
EyePet virtual creature (EyePet) -- What the hell is an EyePet? A monkey? A goblin? A biological weapon? According to YouTube, it's a sexual slave trained to please you, its master. I can't even image this furry critter's move set if it somehow makes it into PlayStation All-Stars.
PocketStation -- Sony's fancy memory card never made it outside Japan, which is a shame because I always wanted to play that Chocobo World minigame from Final Fantasy VIII.
Clever game designers could go nuts turning the PocketStation into a playable character or a weapon/item of some sort.
If PlayStation All-Stars knocks off Smash Bros.'s trophies gallery, the PocketStation deserves a spot.
Block-rearranging guy (Intelligent Qube) -- What seems like a simple puzzler is really one of the most mysterious games ever made. Who is that tiny man? Is this hell? Why blocks instead of balls?
The diminutive, khaki-pants-wearing protagonist could annoy the hell out of his adversaries in All-Stars, similar to the Servbot in Marvel vs. Capcom 2. Sony, are you reading this?
Giant Enemy Crab
Giant enemy crab (Genji: Days of the Blade) -- Sony's 2006 E3 conference was a disaster, but one good thing came out of it: the giant enemy crab from Genji.
Ancient Japan saw an infestation of these gargantuan crustaceans. Luckily, brave heroes used their real-time, weapon-changing abilities to find the monsters' weak spot and attack it for massive damage.
Mental wealth girl
Mental wealth girl -- Sony has made some peculiar print ads but nothing quite as disturbing as the "mental wealth" commercial for the PlayStation 3.
The girl's grotesque appearance and chilling laugh make me want to drive a hatchet through my skull. She would make a fantastic second-to-last final boss, right before fighting Sony Computer Entertainment of America president Jack Tretton.
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