Developer Valve opened the floodgates of ridiculous savings on the Steam Summer Sale today. Over the next week and a half, PC gamers will throw their wallets at their computers and stock up on games they've wanted to play, games they're curious about playing but will buy now because they're on sale, and games they already own on another platform but what the hell, they're super cheap.
Some gamers are worried, however, and forum discussions and Facebook groups are already springing up about how much money they've spent or are planning to fork over. For those concerned Steam users, I offer these helpful tips on how to make it through the next 10 days without visiting a pawn shop or sending all the gold in your house to Glenn Beck.
1. Encase your wallet in a block of ice
You're probably thinking this is crazy, but keep in mind that you're receiving advice from the person who wrote this.
It isn't hard to seal your wallet away for the duration of the Steam sale. All you need are:
A cereal bowl
A large food storage container
Fill the container with water and then place the cereal bowl in, upside-down. Put your wallet on top of the bowl so it is suspended at least two inches from all sides of the container and then put the whole thing in the freezer. Then wait. In a few hours, your wallet will be completely surrounded with ice, safe from your deal-craving hands. The bowl will also be encased in ice, so keep that in mind when you're planning breakfast this month.
2. Forget your credit card number
Maybe your wallet is in your freezer now, but you still have your card number memorized. What do you do? The only sure way to make sure you don't still buy a lot of stuff on Steam is to destroy the part of your brain in which that memory is contained. But don't do that, because that's fucking nuts.
Instead, every time you feel like hopping on Steam to see which bundles are available on the cheap, watch this video:
I guarantee that once that song gets stuck in your head, you will have no room left for information like your credit card number, your mom's birthday, or your memories of the fifth grade.
3. Own a Mac
The surest way to make sure you don't spend your grocery money on games is to make sure that you are incapable of playing most of the titles on offer. To that end, I can think of no better protection against the temptation of the Steam Summer Sale than owning a Mac. Of the nine games currently on offer at the top of the sale page, six of them are PC-only. That means that Mac owners receive a 67 percent saving on saving.
Obviously, this method won't get you out completely clean, but what else are you going to use? Willpower?