Every four years the summer Olympics rise up to remind the world that people like some really stupid sports. Seriously, I don’t care how good anyone is at badminton, because it’s ridiculous to watch two people stand still and slap something called a “shuttlecock” at one another.
That’s why we’re proposing that the next Olympics should rock a few video-game-related events. Here are our suggestions:
Men’s 110M Halo teabags
Competitors will have to train with great dedication for this event that involves guiding Master Chief, the hero of the first-person shooter, through a 110 meter course with a downed enemy to teabag every 10 meters. Xbox Live user J01NTBLaZZ3R is still the world-record holder in this event.
I won’t lie, most people only watch this sport for the hilarious testicular injuries.
The angry controller javelin throw
This one is known as “the pastime of the gentleman.” The Olympian must play an infuriating game like Super Meat Boy or Spelunky until he becomes so angry that he throws the controller. The gold goes to whomever throws the joystick the farthest.
Be careful if you’re in the crowd for this one; pissed off gamers aren’t exactly aiming away from the stands. A Wiimote to the jugular can really put a damper on an entire Olympics.
Golden Tee Golf douche biathlon
This event combines the beauty of video golf with the majesty of drinking fourteen Miller Genuine Drafts. The point is to play the best round of golf while drinking a really crappy beer. It’s a sport that’s long been dominated by that one group of guys with popped collars at that wing place you hate going to.
Don’t even go to watch this sport. If the athlete thinks you’re looking at his girlfriend, he will start a fight with you.
Perhaps you’ve heard of dressage. It’s the “sport” where rich people pay slightly less rich people to make a horse dance. Yes, even the horse has more money than you and all he does is eat it.
Pokémon dressage is very similar only instead of wealthy people prancing a horse around, it’s depressing people jogging in a circle with stuffed Pokémon toys. This competition has no winners, and we’re all judging.
Women’s 50M pistol find-an-object
You know those find-an-object games that are popular on iPad? Where the screen is cluttered with objects and you have to find a list of crap in the clutter? This is exactly that, only when the Olympian finds the object, she shoots it. And we’re talking about .50 caliber handguns here. This is historically a very expensive event, as each shooter tends to go through an average of 65 iPads. The winner of this event is always Apple.