As a (nearly) obsessive gamer and rather unsociable person, I can’t say I have very much experience with romance. I’ve tried making a move once or twice, but for some reason girls just aren’t interested when I ask them if they want to play with my Wii. Go figure.
But since my parents are threatening to evict me, I’ll need to learn how to woo a prospective spouse with my manly charms. So for the past few weeks, I’ve been learning all that I can about love from video games. The correct way to make an advance, where to bring her on a date, what kind of presents to give, how to propose, what married life is like, how to get a divorce — all things I needed to know.
Thankfully, I have access to a wide collection of games and was able to complete my task easily. And now that I am an enlightened man, I’ve come to share my knowledge with you of lesser charisma. So sit down children, and let the gaming school of romance begin.
Lesson 1: Attracting the fairer sex in Grand Theft Auto
Women are very fickle things; even the slightest fashion faux pas is enough to ruin your chances with them. Be sure to discover what kind of clothes and vehicles they like before your first date. Stalking their online profiles is a good place to start, but for the more adventurous types, shadowing them around may be a better option.
Of course, this does no good if you can’t afford your date’s taste. You need money to pay for those clothes! Robbing a convenience store should pay for your new clothes, but acquiring the appropriate vehicle may provide more of a challenge. Thankfully, most people leave their doors unlocked while driving, and it should only take a few seconds to toss them out of the car and drive away.
Once you’re ready for the date, make sure to plan an interesting activity. Bars and restaurants both provide great opportunities to enjoy each other’s company. Play a game of pool, eat at a fancy restaurant (using the leftover convenience store money), or even go to the town’s most exclusive strip club. Because women love strip clubs.
Lesson 2: Gotta **** 'em all in The Witcher
Once you have the basics of dating down, it’s time to move on to finding your soulmate. Now, I suppose you could take the lazy path and just wait to find the one that’s right for you (yeah, right), but we all know that the best way to find that special person is volume. Everyone is a potential spouse, and only by being with them all will you discover the right one for you. Also, keep photos of them (preferably in the nude) to ensure that you remember their names, faces, and locations. Or just in case you get lonely later…
Lesson 3: Popping the question in Skyrim
Which you will, because the world can be a cold, unforgiving place. Sometimes, you just want to come home to a warm meal, a soft bed, and someone who loves you. Unfortunately, women aren’t always receptive to proposals and will show no remorse in shooting you down if they’re “not ready.” However, there are things that can help your chances, like helping with errands or giving them gifts.
Whether they just need a few rats killed, or perhaps you want to surprise her with some mammoth tusks, always be willing to do something nice for your lover. And besides, who doesn’t love mammoth tusks?
Lesson 4: Fixing your broken marriage in Fable
Congratulations, you’ve made it to marriage, but considering you’re coming to me for help, I’ll bet you’ve already screwed it up. Perhaps it’s because you don’t talk anymore or you slaughtered the neighbors when they looked at you funny, but women are easily offended. Fortunately, whoever said money can’t buy happiness was wrong; money can buy everything.
By now, you should be unfathomably rich (probably from robbing all those convenience stores, you plebian), and your beloved should be more than willing to overlook your flaws once she’s staring at a pile of gold. Unless of course you tried inviting her to have an orgy with five hookers…not that I did…that would be ridiculous…
Lesson 5: A Sims “divorce”
Well, good job. Your relationship has reached the point of no return — your wife hates you, you’re getting a divorce, and you’re about to lose all of your hard-earned cash. You’ve sunken to new lows, but you’re going to sink even lower if you want to walk away with any cash. Others might recommend something outlandish like marriage counseling, but I am a far more practical man. That’s why I recommend murd…er…I mean…accidents happen, you know? Personally, I recommend putting in a cozy new addition, filled with comfortable wooden chairs and a cheap fireplace. I’m sure she’ll love it, at least for a few minutes…
Excellent work, student! You’ve officially completed the gaming school of romance. All the tools of the trade are now at your disposal. Now go, Casanova, and get the girl of your dreams!
Please note that this article is intended for humorous purposes only. Do not take this seriously; you’ll get arrested. What ridiculous views of romance have you seen in video games?
GamesBeat 2014 — VentureBeat’s sixth annual event on disruption in the video game market — is coming up on Sept 15-16 in San Francisco. Purchase one of the first 50 tickets and save $400!