Once again, we call up the smartest people we know to phone one in!
It's here! Apple, maker of all things good in the universe, finally announced its announcement that we'll soon be able to preorder the iPhone 5! The company even let us look at it first! So Apple's all-powerful and benevolent (except in China, which doesn't count anyway).
Forget the crushing disappointment of nine months ago when it bait-and-switched us with that iPhone 4S crap. The future is here again! So what do you think of the new candy, panel of experts? Best thing ever or even better than that?
"Why can't they do these unnecessarily long and self-important announcements at E3 like decent people?"
– Nathan Drake, Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception
"Actually, I scratched a few hard corners into the 'S' on my iPhone 4S, so I've had an iPhone 5 for nine months now."
– Samus Aran, Metroid: Other M
"It looks amazing! I had to change my underwear three times during the conference…but the second time, it was only because [Apple CEO] Tim Cook's deep blue eyes met mine. Sorry, Snake."
– Otacon, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
"It was another $300 piece of s**t counting the hours until it became landfill. I guess that made us kindred souls, and I pre-ordered one knowing I'd take it straight down to Hell with me. Thanks to Siri, I'd even have the directions."
– Max Payne, Max Payne 3
"Yeah, it's thin, black, and beautiful, but I'LL put out on the first date."
– Mr. Game and Watch, Super Smash Bros. Brawl
"Awesomesauce! And now the screen's almost a 16:9 ratio, so I can watch epic widescreen movies on a 4" screen! That extra half-inch makes all the difference!"
– Bowser, Jr., Super Mario Sunshine
"Call me when I can install one in my head. Just don't tell me what I'll have to slide to unlock it."
– Adam Jensen, Deus Ex: Human Revolution
"What a bit of old rubbish! I'm totally, totally, totally better than any iPhone 5. High-speed LTE? That's me. Thin and sexy? Me. Cloud computing? Me! I'll do some cloud computing right now! And I'm IN THE CLOUD! Very white and puffy it is, too. Not a fan of the cold, or the wet, BUT WE'RE COMPUTING VERY, VERY HARD. That's right, buckets of computing going on here…what do you mean, I'm not compatible? I'm made by Microsoft? What does that even mean, you moist little prat?"
– Wheatley, Portal 2
"PUnY hum4n5. t3cHn0L0gy pWns u. h4. h4. h4."
– Sentinel, Marvel vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds
"Just by changing their proprietary 30-pin power cord to an all-new 8-pin connector, Apple has destroyed an entire industry of Apple accessories companies. Wish I'd thought of it first."
– Rufus Shinra, Final Fantasy VII
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