Once again, it's time to get the spin from our unelected representatives!
Obama vs. Romney — Fight! Now that almost all of us can watch the presidential debates live on Xbox live, it's our duty as carbon-based lifeforms to do so. Unless you're poor and don't have a Gold membership. Or an internet connection. Or an Xbox. Those people aren't supposed to vote, anyway.
Never mind that their first presidential debate turned out to be a snoozer. We live in a world where Vice President Joe Biden and Vice-Presidential candidate Paul Ryan spent 90 minutes beating each other with rakes. That put us one-all in terms of debates wins so far (Romney: 1, Biden: 1), and that makes tonight's town-hall-format match the official tiebreaker!
So, panel of experts … what can we expect from tonight's slugfest?
"Like Caesar presiding over the gladiators, I don't care who wins. I'm just there for the blood and glistening man-flesh."
- Isaac Clarke, Dead Space 3
"The Americans would save so much time and money if Obama just imposed tyranny on the land and ruthlessly crushed the faintest whisper of opposition to his iron rule. Then I could go back to watching Dancing with the Stars."
- M. Bison, Street Fighter X Tekken
"I have consulted with the tee-party oracles, and Romney will DESTROY the moor! But the battle shall cost him an arm and his only testicle."
- Kratos, God of War III
"Tonight's the night we find out about the war on women's tax-raising socialist agenda against the 47-percent of the 99-percent. Oh, and I'm British, so I don't care. I already have universal health coverage, you Puritanical wankers."
- Lara Croft, Tomb Raider
"Obama for the win. But Romney will retroactively change all his answers the next day, anyway."
- Samus Aran, Metroid: Other M
"We can't let Romney get into office! He's got like 16 grandkids! The Secret Service protection on his immediate family alone will bankrupt the country! On the other hand, now I get why he doesn't care about Planned Parenthood…."
- Nathan Drake, Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception
"I want to hear Obama say I can keep killing terrorists. Not that he's ever told me that that in person, or even strongly implied he didn't want Osama bin Laden taken alive three times before I went in. I've never even met the President."
- Sam Fisher, Splinter Cell: Blacklist
"I keep waiting for someone to court the Wiccan vote. Ah well. Who does the NRA like?"
- Bayonetta, Bayonetta
"Mitt RoMONEY will amaze us all with his plan to get the middle class to make me even richer. That's how you get this country back on track … super-PACs and offshore accounts."
- Rufus Shinra, Final Fantasy VII
"Yes we can still hope for change and, aw, crap. I'm out of slogans! Quick, what's our new slogan? Anybody? C'mon, something with freedom and candy in it! We needs the slogans!"
- Rayman, Rayman Legends
"You tell me who's got the better chance … a man who tells half-truths or a blatant liar."
- John Marston, Red Dead Redemption