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My mom previews Tomb Raider, Dark Souls II, and other big games of 2013

Mike and momma Minotti

My mother (pictured with me above) doesn’t know much of anything about video games. However, I discovered that making her watch trailers for upcoming releases and recording her reactions can lead to comedic gold.

This time, I exposed her to a few of the trailers played during this year’s Video Game Awards, which showcased some of the most anticipated games coming out in 2013.

Below each video is the dialogue that took place between my mother and me while we watched. Her words are in red. I know some people accused me of making this all up last time. Again, I swear that this is all 100 percent real.


Dark Souls II

This one’s called Dark Souls II.

Oh, jeez. Why are they all so dark? Why aren’t some happy? No wonder the world’s going to pot.

You said that last time.

‘Cause that’s how I feel. There’s blood. There’s a sword. Oh, he looks like a mad knight. What’s this called?

Dark Souls II.

Is this in medieval times?

I think it’s more of a made-up fantasy world.

But there’s no electricity.

No, there’s no electricity.

Oh, my lord. Are they in the clouds?

I think it’s just misty.

Is he a good guy or a bad guy?

I think that’s the good guy.

What’s he searching for?

Probably things to kill.

Things to kill?!

Like, bad things. Like monsters.

Why does he want to kill them?

Because they’re monsters!

Why doesn’t he just leave them be and get the heck out of there? Oh, he looks like Freddy Krueger. Who’s the guy who wore the mask?

Oh, that’s Jason.

Jason! That’s what he looks like. Oh, there’s a dragon. Is the dragon his friend?

Probably not.

Wow, look at all the arrows in him. How was Dark Souls 1? Was it the same thing?

Yeah. It was really hard.

Well, they must have liked it because they made a Dark Souls II.

Yeah, well, Dark Souls was a sequel to a game called Demon’s Souls, so this is kind of like the third one.

God save your souls.

What did you think of that?

Nah.

The Last of Us

This is called The Last of Us. This takes place, like, after the apocalypse.

Jeez. These guys live out in the woods?

No, the world’s been overgrown because the world ended.

Oh. He looks like George Clooney. Oooo. This is after the end of the world?

Yeah, I think they’re zombies or something.

They look like zombies. Of course, they have to have swearing.

(We see a hanged body.)

I guess he couldn’t take it anymore. Oh, my! Yeah, there’s a zombie. I wonder how this ends.

How do you think it ends?

The good guys probably eventually beat the zombies.

Maybe. What did you think of that one?

Nah.

Some of it takes place in Pittsburgh. (We live about an hour away from there.)

I’m a Cleveland fan.

South Park: The Stick of Truth

This is the South Park game.

Oh, no! Is that those little kids who swear?

Yup.

Mr. Hankey?

You like Mr. Hankey.

Well, at least it’s colorful. How come they always have snow? Are they up in Canada?

They’re in Colorado.

Colorado? It doesn’t snow all the time in Colorado. Is he Gandalf?

No, he’s just a wizard.

He looks like Gandalf.

Kind of.

The music is, like, from Titanic. Are they going to beat the crap out of him with a stick?

I don’t know.

I assume this is not for children — oh, my gosh! He flashed the moon! Is he an Indian?

No, he’s just an archer.

Why does Kenny have to be the girl?

I don’t know.

No one else would do it.

(My mom gasps as Cartman swears at his mother.)

He talks like that to his mother?

Yeah, I would never do that.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh! Oh, there’s Mr. Hankey. He’s a wizard, too. Oh, there’s Spock! Oh, my gosh! I hope this is not for children.

It’s not for children. It’s rated M for mature.

Now what’s the purpose of that game?

It’s an RPG.

What’s an RPG?

Uh, you know, Final Fantasy?

(pause) All right, whatever.

It’s like Zelda. A little bit.

Gears of War: Judgment

All right, this one’s called Gears of War: Judgment. It’s, like, the fourth Gears of War game.

What world war is this?

Oh, this is after a war with aliens. Actually, this is during it.

Well, I don’t believe in aliens.

Oh. Well, this game says they exist.

Well, they don’t. What’s “Emergency Day?”

No, Emergence Day. That’s when the aliens came.

Oh. I thought it was Emergency Day. No wonder the world is screwed up with all you kids.

These guns have chainsaws on them.

Oh, my gosh. So you can saw a tree while killing somebody?

Actually, you use them on people.

So it has two purposes.

It’s a multitool.

Was that the Blessed Mother?!

No!

I think it was a statue of the Blessed Mother!

No, it was not.

Yes, it was. The girl looks like a guy.

What did you think of that one?

Nah. I don’t like any of them so far. It’s all blood and gore.

Tomb Raider

Do you remember Tomb Raider?

Yeah, I’ve heard of it, but I don’t remember it.

Well, this is the new Tomb Raider game.

Is this blood and gore too?

Yeah, it’s rated M.

They all look the same!

(I laugh.)

They do!

South Park looked different.

Yeah.

(Lara Croft: “So much has happened.”)

Well, if you stayed at home, you wouldn’t get into trouble. This looks like the end of the world, too.

No, they’re shipwrecked.

Oh. Like Lost?

Yeah.

It’s amazing that they’re shipwrecked but they all have guns. Now she has a bow and arrow.

(Lara Croft strangles a man.)

Like that little thing could take out that big guy. Is this who Angelina Jolie played?

Yeah, she’s younger in this game.

What’s her name? Lara Croft?

Yup.

See? I remember that.

That’s good.

So they’ll probably make a movie out of this.

Maybe. If it does well.

(Lara Croft: “If I don’t survive … .”)

No one will.

What did you think of Tomb Raider?

Eh.

No?

I guess it has a lot of action.