How to meet celebrities and chat up girls, Seduce Me style

Oh, Seduce Me. Actually, no, please don’t. Nothing can prepare you for the story you’re about to read.

Simply put, Seduce Me is porn. It’s incredibly dull, tedious, and theoretically erotic to someone, somewhere. I had the misfortune of reviewing it earlier this year.

This is the tale of a completely broken player, one who spent hours screen-capping static pornographic images and arranging them in the least enticing slideshow ever created. Hilariously, the woman who wrote Seduce Me claims that the guests at international socialite Pietra’s party are not demeaning to women, and they’re certainly not nauseating stereotypes ripped out of adolescent fantasy. No, these women have true depth while freely divulging every aspect of their sex lives to an absolute stranger.

In effort to survive playing Seduce Me for as long as I have, I viewed it as a “choose your own adventure” story. Only my character isn’t here to seduce anyone at all. He’s a nice man interested in making friends, traveling the world, and someday settling down with a nice lady. I think he might even have a degree in classical studies. He has no idea that his new friend Pietra hosts infamous sex parties, and he certainly did not accept her invitation thinking all the other guests would find any excuse to get naked.

No, gentle, innocent John (as I’ve started calling him) simply wants to live life to the fullest. Well, isn’t he in for a treat?

In 10 years time, I’m going to look back on this article and weep. Enjoy!

(Even though the most racy pictures in this slideshow are blacked out, much of the language and all the unedited images are not safe for work or any other place. You’ve been warned.)

Welcome to Pietra’s Villa One fine day, the glamorous Pietra invited me to her villa. Luckily, I was already planning to visit this hitherto undisclosed European coast. Tony Stark might be dismayed to know his California mansion has a doppelganger.
Esper doing maid stuff The lovely Esper. I suppose it is so hot here on the coast that traditional maid attire is out of the question. She seems friendly enough. After a brief conversation, she points me toward the hostess, Pietra.
Pietra is so delighted I showed up I met Pietra during a photo shoot. I was so worth her superstar attention that she invited me to her house. She hopes I enjoy my stay. Is something amiss here?
Let’s explore Well, best make the rounds, right? That's what people do at parties. Strange sounds are coming from that room. ...
Startling developments Oh, come on. I've only been here five minutes! Get a room, lady. (GamesBeat editor-in-chief Dan Hsu felt this image was too traumatizing. So this is what you get.)
So then they put their clothes on I shouldn't have said anything. Now they want to chat about shopping. I discover the blonde woman's name is Cecelia and that she's on the prowl for a husband. I'm now afraid.
Chatter upstairs Alright, time to leave that strange and sexually agressive woman behind. Let's see if there are any sensible people in this house.
Frisky Esper Oh for fu ... Even Esper is in on this. I knew my plausible explanation for that outfit was too naive.
Pietra’s unhappy I leave Esper to her maidly duties only to find Pietra screaming at someone while wrapped in a towel. Even the rich and famous can't sort out which drawer their g-strings belong in.
Hamed gets handsy Moving on, I spy the pool boy Hamed aggressively oiling a girl. It doesn't take a genius to realize that women don't like that.
Oh what to choose After rescuing the fair Lilia from an oily fate, she strikes up an awkward conversation. I fear I'm about to learn far too much about Cecelia's daughter.
Oh good lord Without missing a beat, Lilia divulges her dominatrix ways via a graphic revenge plot designed to humble Hamed. I suppose he deserves it, but my ears do not. (Again, this image is far too wild for the Internet.)
You and me both, sister After her thorough explanation, Lilia ventures off to get a drink. I find myself in desperate need of one as well ... and a plane ticket home.
This place is horrible I wonder around a bit as I try to find both partygoers and alcohol. Perhaps I should go through this curiously placed door?
Seriously, Pietra? Ugh, going back inside was the worst idea. One of the other guests is desperate to make a good impression on Pietra. I ... I slowly back out of the room. (My editors are incredibly annoyed with me now. Like they didn't think a game called Seduce Me was all about sex. ...)
No one thinks you’re a prude As I fearfully tumble back into the sunlight, Cecelia descends. She knows I'm vulnerable and prepares to strike. She wants to prove to me that she's no prude! As if she hadn't already done so. Please, God, let this not involve intimate details I'd rather not hear.
How Lilia happened What the what? Now I know why Lilia is so willing to talk about spanking pool boys. Compared to her mother, she's frighteningly normal. (I fear this may be the very last article I ever do for GamesBeat.)
Lilia read far too much into me being nice to her Stumbling away, I happen across Lilia. She's very cross with me for apparently sleeping with someone. Heavens no! Despite the generally hedonistic atmosphere, my clothes haven't come off! She doesn't buy that and storms off.
Pietra is curious Pietra, freshly showered and ... tended to, strikes up a conversation. She wants to know what happened with Lilia. I fear she's far too eager to bask in my horror.
Everyone here is so willing to talk Growing bored with my discomfort, Pietra decides to explain her marriage to me. There's not enough champagne in the world to erase this day from my mind.
I … believe they make pills for that Pietra divulges her husband's completely treatable medical condition to me but says he won't do anything about it. Therefore, she's fair game to any man she invites to a party. Or woman, I know that for certain now. I explain I'm really not that interested. (Who just stares at people like that? Pietra's husband is such a creeper.)
I guess we’ll go to the sauna Growing increasingly bored with my frantic and traumatized behavior, Pietra invites me to the sauna to relax. Well, if my clothes simply must come off at some point, a sauna at least makes sense.
Now Lilia can be angry with me What on Earth have I done? Pietra's soothing voice and all that steam lured me into a vulnerable state. My free will is utterly compromised. (I refuse to explain what's happening in this picture. Buy the game if you really must know. Even the words are too saucy.)
Willingly manhandled My mind is fragmented. Nothing makes sense. As I stagger back out to the pool I notice Hamed aggressively oiling yet another girl. I intervene in a desperate attempt to kickstart my decency. Only, Esper seems to really enjoy Hamed's attention to detail.
I think that has another, less completely filthy, name After shooing Hamed away, I talk to Esper for a while. Like everyone else here, she's overly willing to share her desires. I can't help but indulge her.
This isn’t going to end with our clothes on Oh scantily clad seductress, tell me everything you know. Some part of my mind is screaming. What has this place done to me?
Broken will Pietra's house is full of beautiful and wealthy women, but my eyes fell firmly on Esper. I have the best taste in friends and relationships. (I'm clearing out my desk now. I managed to get away with two oiled butt pictures, but enough's enough.)
Come to a rich lady’s party and leave with her maid Esper feels we could be truly happy! We can run away from this place and live in London. ... Far, far away from this den of sin. She's the only sane thing in the world to me now, even after what she made me do.
I spoke too soon. We finally escape. But before I can truly push Pietra's house of horrors from my mind, Esper reveals her true colors. She craves conflict and rough treatment. She's constantly starting fights. But, struggle as I might, I've made my choice and will forever live with the consequences. Curse the day I laid eyes on Pietra. Why didn't I have sense to go with one of the other broken dolls lounging in her villa?