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How to meet celebrities and chat up girls, Seduce Me style

Oh, Seduce Me. Actually, no, please don’t. Nothing can prepare you for the story you’re about to read.

Simply put, Seduce Me is porn. It’s incredibly dull, tedious, and theoretically erotic to someone, somewhere. I had the misfortune of reviewing it earlier this year.

This is the tale of a completely broken player, one who spent hours screen-capping static pornographic images and arranging them in the least enticing slideshow ever created. Hilariously, the woman who wrote Seduce Me claims that the guests at international socialite Pietra’s party are not demeaning to women, and they’re certainly not nauseating stereotypes ripped out of adolescent fantasy. No, these women have true depth while freely divulging every aspect of their sex lives to an absolute stranger.

In effort to survive playing Seduce Me for as long as I have, I viewed it as a “choose your own adventure” story. Only my character isn’t here to seduce anyone at all. He’s a nice man interested in making friends, traveling the world, and someday settling down with a nice lady. I think he might even have a degree in classical studies. He has no idea that his new friend Pietra hosts infamous sex parties, and he certainly did not accept her invitation thinking all the other guests would find any excuse to get naked.

No, gentle, innocent John (as I’ve started calling him) simply wants to live life to the fullest. Well, isn’t he in for a treat?

In 10 years time, I’m going to look back on this article and weep. Enjoy!

(Even though the most racy pictures in this slideshow are blacked out, much of the language and all the unedited images are not safe for work or any other place. You’ve been warned.)


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