OffBeat

Judge puts text-happy juror in jail for being SO FREAKING AWKWARD

texting

This post is an homage to a profanity-laced staff favorite from the week’s Internet news. When we heard that 26-year-old Benjamin Kohler was jailed for texting while serving as a juror, this was roughly our reaction. Please practice basic text etiquette, especially when jail time is on the line.


For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, we have been SCREWING UP in terms of legal events and general adult interactions in the courtroom.

You’ve been sending texts on texts about defendants LITERALLY being so freaking AWKWARD and so freaking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself, “But oh em gee, Jolie, I’ve been having so much fun with my jurors this week!” then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to freaking find you in court to do it myself.

I do not give a flying fig, and Judge Dennis Graves does not give a flying fig, about how much you freaking love to text with your girlfriend. You have 361 days out of the freaking year to text your girlfriend, and this week is NOT, I freaking repeat, NOT ONE OF THEM.

This week is about convicting or acquitting a man accused of armed robbery in Oregon, and that’s not freaking possible if you’re going to sit around and text your girlfriend.

Newsflash: JUDGES DON’T LIKE CELLPHONES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FREAKING NEWSFLASH: MOST COURTHOUSES ARE ONE-WAY CHUTES TO JAILHOUSES, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, JUDGES WILL SEND YOU TO JAIL FOR TEXTING.

If Judge Dennis Graves openly said “Yeah, I’m gonna watch YouTube clips while this trial goes on,” would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No, you wouldn’t, so WHY THE HECK WOULD YOU DO IT TO HIM?? IN FRONT OF HIM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be texting in court. I don’t give a CRAP if your girlfriend is texting you, if your mom is texting you, or if your entire family is texting you. YOU DON’T TEXT. YOU. DON’T. TEXT. And you ESPECIALLY do freaking NOT text on a glowing screen while the rest of the courtroom is dark because a video is playing.

“Ohhh, Jolie, I’m now crying because your blog post has made me oh so so sad.”

Well, good. If this blog post applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a tech-obsessed nerd that is glued to his cellphone at grownup events, or if you’re social media junkie constantly tweeting during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT CARRY A CELLPHONE.

I’m not freaking kidding. Don’t own one. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this blog post and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS INDUSTRY. I would rather have 40 jurors that are responsible, listen to the arguments, and not freaking awkward than 80 that are freaking texting. If you are one of the people that have told me, “Oh, nooo,  boo hoo I can’t pay attention in court I’m too bored,” then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind, don’t freaking buy a cellphone unless you can use it like an adult.

And for those of you who are offended at this blog post, I would apologize, but I really didn’t come up with it on my own. Go find some cake.

Image credit: cletch/Flickr