I’m American. That means I’m genetically preconditioned to think soccer is a bit silly. It’s the “beautiful game,” but it also ends in a tie (what seems like) the majority of the time.
The American publisher Electronic Arts isn’t helping with that perception. Its line of FIFA soccer games often feature ridiculous bugs and animations that make it even harder for people to take the game seriously.
I’ve collected nine of the dumbest, funniest, and most romantic GIFs that I think prove just how silly video game soccer really is:
Dude, I think your leg is broken
Let's start with the horrifying glitches.
Maybe you don't know, but FIFA is a game about soccer. In soccer, you are supposed to use your legs. Well, that's a problem for this fella right here, who's left kicker is on backward and bent the wrong way at two separate joints.
Gotta give it to him. He's still hopping along like nothing's wrong.
"Leave me in coach! I know that one of my legs is completely useless and upsetting to look at, but I really think I can make a difference!"
And doesn't his leg kinda look like a llama?
You're probably wondering how ol' llama-leg McGee ended up like that, well, maybe this will illuminate the situation for you.
This poor bastard was just running up the pitch looking to score a sweet, sweet goal when the keeper used black magic to replace the striker's femur with one of those wacky-waving-inflatable-arm guys.
I don't want to sound discriminatory, but I think soccer leagues should probably ban four story-tall armless crash-test dummies from playing the game ... and is he wearing high heels?
I'm being mean. He did make the save!
I'm just angry because this is exactly what I look like when I play goalie.
Rinaldo swimming beast
As I'm sure you've gathered by now, I don't know a lot about soccer. What I do know is that Real Madrid star Cristiano Ronaldo is handsome.
In fact, the striker is so handsome that I don't believe he should have to obey the laws of physics. Clearly the people who made FIFA agree with me because the footballer can swim through the pitch like it's a big bowl of soupy jello.
I'm just saying that you should keep an eye out for a submerged Ronaldo whenever you decide to cross the lawn. That's why I always stick to the sidewalks.
Taye Taiwo’s face-melting nightmare fuel
Nigeria's Taye Taiwo is another handsome footballer and -- OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HIS FACE! WHY! SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE IT END! I WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN!
OK. I think I'm alright, just please don't go back to that last picture. Let's get on to the funny stuff.
Here's a fast-developing play that ends up with the goalie getting thrown into the net like a pair of old underpants into a hamper.
It looks like someone had this match set to Dragon Ball Z rules. That keeper's number of broken bones is over 9,000!
Pardon me pardon pardon pardon me pardon me
OK, now this is more like it. I recognize this sport. This is what we in America call Three Stooges Asshole Ball.
The objective is to see who is the biggest asshole while repeatedly hurting yourself and those around you with physical comedy. It's also known as "the elegant game," and only aristocrats and rich people from Maine still play it.
Don’t you dare close your eyes
It's time to get sexy.
Romance is when a man acts like he hates another man because he can't admit his true feelings to himself.
Those feelings? "Gimme a smooch!"
This is the Sleepless In Seattle of midgame anger kisses.
Love is what brings our faces together today
"Mom, where do soccer video games come from?"
"Well, you see, Timmy, when a man loves another man very much they kiss. If they kiss hard enough, then a stork named EA Sports will deliver it annually to retailers worldwide for $59.99 on PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360."
Bonus: Here is Brazilian soccer referee Jorge Jose Emiliano dos Santso. He is the best thing ever.
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