Adam has uncovered a great oversight by the ESRB. Read and heed his warning before your children fall prey to this corrupting plague.
While the Entertainment Software Rating Board preoccupies itself with the more obvious evils of Grand Theft Auto and Call of Duty, it has allowed a far more sinister poison to grip the hearts and minds of our precious, defenseless, and impressionable young ones for decades. Flying, nay, creeping under the radar, this social disease has been passed over time and time again in all of its twisted guises, with nary a glance or a batted eyelid from the board. With each growing year of apathy and inaction, this moral cesspool of worm-ridden filth has been allowed to fester and cultivate in the minds of children worldwide.
What is this great evil of which I speak? It is a video game, my dear friends; a video game. No, not one of your innocent block-building puzzle games that can be enjoyed in the comfort and safety of the family home. Rather a handheld game, capable of being passed through the schoolyard like a used syringe, carried on the bus like a flea carries a plague, away from the Parent’s discerning eyes. “But it’s just a game, Mr. Redsell, how much harm could it possibly do?” Plenty, I say! And not just to your loved ones, but to your loyal, unquestioning pets as well. Yes, this self-proclaimed “fun” game “for all ages” is a blight on man and beast alike — particularly beast.
What unspeakable terrors pass for children’s entertainment these days? This game is the story of a young boy, who ventures out into the wild with the sole purpose of hurting and capturing small animals. I don’t know about you, but that’s called “poaching” where I come from. One hopes these animals are small, for their sake; not only are they unceremoniously stuffed within the confines of this boy’s rucksack; they are also trapped within deceivingly playful-looking ball-shaped cages, no more than ten centimeters in diameter! And when does this charitable lad see fit to release these poor creatures from their spherical prisons? When he wants to pit them against other animals in mortal combat! And when he isn’t doing that, he’s training them to poison, burn, paralyze, and otherwise maim other animals. The damage doesn’t end there: It is also possible — and encouraged — to taunt and psychologically harm other people’s animals!
You may be saying — pitchforks and torches at the ready — “I thought this kind of barbarism died with the fall of the Roman Empire. What is the name of this sickening abomination that we may smite it with the damnation and holy hellfire it so verily deserves?” It lurks on your son’s breakfast television, at your daughter’s local cinema; it prowls through your sweet, sweet, innocent child’s favorite toy store. This glorified cockfight is known as Pokémon, or more appropriately by its Japanese moniker, “Pocket Monsters.” And what did the ESRB rate it? “E” for “Everyone.” My eye!
In schoolyards worldwide, our rugrats are hosting their very own sickly ‘Poké-battles’. Why, just last Tuesday I caught my daughter Susan trying to smuggle her pet Salamander Percival to school for “show and tell.” And it won’t stop there, oh no, mark my words: soon youths will be raiding local zoos, looking for their midnight thrills. Cat will be turned against dog; mongoose will be turned against cobra. The harmony of all God’s creatures is at stake!
Dear Chairman of the ESRB,
There has been a great injustice here, and I implore you as a fellow man of fine breeding to address this wrong post-haste. I fear that it may already be too late: that the damage has already been done by these Game ‘Freaks’ at Nintendo and your board’s gross negligence, but you must act now if you are to redeem the once illustrious name of the ESRB and what it once stood for. Ban this sick filth! Time is short, and I look forward to your swift response.
I remain forever, your friend,
Mr. Adam Redsell Esquire,
President of the League of Moral Panickers