GamesBeat How game characters would die if they lived in our world July 30, 2010 8:18 AM Siri Karri This post has not been edited by the GamesBeat staff. Opinions by GamesBeat community writers do not necessarily reflect those of the staff. I've always liked to imagine myself as a hero. Maybe that's why immersion in gaming is so important, because we need to feel like a hero. And let's be honest . . . would any of us be able to take on Ganondorf? No, because us human beings do things like . . . bleed when struck or run away when confronted by 20 feet tall pig-monsters. But then I thought . . . what if they lived in our world? They'd suck just as much as us! So for my own personal amusement, I've decided to chronicle the deaths of some of the greatest characters of gaming as they traverse our world. I don't expect this to make sense, but those few weird as me will enjoy this. I'm assuming only people as weird as me would like this, so if you don't spare me the hate comments :P. If you do like it, tell your friends/ throw some suggestions for other famous characters and I'll do my best to add it on! So let's get this nerd fest started . . . LINK Through carbon dating, scientists estimated his age at around 18 and decided to enroll him in the local high school. On day one, Link's curiously spacious rucksack sets off the metal detector at the front entrance. As the security guard reaches for it, Link spots the tribal tattoo on his hand and mistakes it for a piece of the Triforce. Upon attacking the guard with the Master Sword, Link quickly realizes that in our universe people bleed and die instead of just turning red and grunting. Quickly, he stuns 3 of the reinforcements with a multi-hit boomerang and reaches for his slingshot to take out the last one. Oh sh*t! He remembers that he has to be younger to use it! So he quickly pulls out the sword again and attempts to find the temple pedestal. He drops the sword into the "pedestal" and quickly electrocutes himself. The pedestal turns out to be the toaster in the teacher's lounge. PROJECT DELTA (BIOSHOCK 2) While rescuing enslaved young girls from robotic horrors is good and well, that gig runs out pretty quick. Trying to establish a more stable and long term career, Delta tries to get volunteer work to boost his resume alongside being a walking tank with the ability to generate lightning from his fingertips. After securing volunteer work at a local hospital carting fresh surgical equipment to the OR, he is pulled through a wall by a running MRI machine and impaled by the 30 or so freshly packaged scalpels he was carrying. SOLID SNAKE In a small rural town in the middle of nowhere, people begin dying in large numbers. The S.T.A.R.S. team is quickly dispatched, anticipating another outbreak of the ever-persistent G-Virus. What they find is true horror, people's bodies torn limb from limb with their faces frozen in an expression of horror. They finally trace it to the culprit . . . which turns out to be an old man in body armor with a toothbrush moustache. When asked what had happened, he responded: "It was a period of time they called . . . the Cold War. I was an assassin, a soldier . . . " 3 hours later, Bravo Team is sent in and finds the remains of Alpha Team. Turns out that the utter boredom from Snake's epic monologue to explain simple things generated a singularity of energy that tore everyone who heard it into shreds. To protect the public, he was executed for "crimes against humanity". MARCUS FENIX Even with the Locust Wars long behind him, he can't get rid of his scratchy and mono-tone voice. While his explanation of his harsh upbringing and horrible voice-acting placated some, the most awkward of instances happened around Halloween, on trick-or-treat night. When greeted by a small girl in a fairy costume upon opening the door, he growls a very inadvisable line: "Hey girl, want some candy?" Ushered away by her parents in a hurry, rumors start flying around about how Marcus "solicited" several other children that night, the parents for an angry mob and set fire to his house while he is inside. Recently however, children have claimed to have seen a deformed Mr. Fenix in their nightmares. MARIO Complications immediately arise between Mario and Peach. Mario doesn't understand why Peach, with all the resources of the Mushroom Kingdom, she insists on leaving herself within close proximity to her serial rapist as well as not having better security other than a bunch of fungal midgets. Peach cruelly reveals she would never sleep with Mario, and that she's had trouble deciding between Bowser and Mario and her "kidnappings" have really been dates. Mario was the more aesthetically appealing choice so she pretended to be with him while enjoying the dark brooding side that Bowser could offer. Mario sat down and contemplated. He had a vertical jump almost three times his height, and remarkable cardio despite his plump physique. He had not only rescued mushroom kingdom, but the galaxy on several occasions. If Peach didn't love him then . . . he couldn't go on. After writing deep emo poetry, he got into the bathtub and electrocuted himself with a toaster which he got from a police auction, apparently involved in a killing at a high school earlier that day.