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The Call of Duty: Black Ops II midnight-launch survival guide

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This is it. You’ve waited your whole life for this mission — or you’ve waited your whole life since last year around this time. Call of Duty: Black Ops II, the newest first-person shooter from publisher Activision and developer Treyarch, goes on sale around the country when the clock strikes 12:00 a.m. Only you’ll have to brave a sidewalk filled with other COD fans if you want to be among the first to get your hands on the game.

That’s where we come in. We’ve compiled a few tips to help you survive the experience, the exposure to the elements, and the dudebros.

Dress appropriately

One word: Camouflage.

You’re going to need to fit in. That means you’ll need the Call of Duty midnight-launch uniform. Head to your nearest Buckle (it’s in the mall right next to the Sbarro’s) and pick up the sickest Tapout, Affliction, or Ed Hardy t-shirt you can find. People need to only look at you to know that you’ve been in dozens of fights — and by “been in fights” I mean that you’ve gone to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch UFC while scarfing down some delicious mango habanero boneless wings.

I’d also normally recommend growing some kind of neckbeard, but let’s be honest: You already have one of those.

Know the language

It’s been a few years since I was embedded with a platoon of Call of Duty faithful, but I can confirm that they have a lingo all of their own. Mostly it’s just faux-macho posturing that causes all animate and inanimate objects to illicit a homophobic response. This always made me uncomfortable, and I expect it will do the same for many of you. That’s why I’ve created the following list of questions and statements that you can use to quickly change the subject. Be sure to memorize these:

  1. What is your favorite-smelling Axe body spray? Personally, I think nothing beats the Essence line of aromas.
  2. On a scale from “Dude, yes!” to “Totally, my bro!” how much better is Call of Duty than Halo?
  3. A classically trained wrestler has the advantage over a Brazilian jiu-jitsu fighter any day of the week.

Bring rations

Every gamer needs fuel, so pack a lunch. Here’s an easy-to-reference checklist of things that should be in every midnight-release attendee’s duffel bag:

  • Cool Ranch Doritos
  • Red Bull
  • Nacho Cheese Doritos
  • Mountain Dew: Code Red
  • What’s left of your Halloween candy
  • A jar of peanut butter
  • Cheetos
  • 5-Hour Energy
  • Pepperoni Pizza Pringles

That’s it. Oh, and bring money, I guess.

We’ll have a review up for Call of Duty: Black Ops II tonight at midnight. We’ll have further coverage on the site throughout the week.

Disclaimer: I take no responsibility if you get beat up for following any of these guidelines.