Pokémon is a series where kids travel and participate in glorified, superpowered cockfights with dangerous creatures. But in a world where every living thing has the potential to murder you, some Pokémon aren’t as intimidating as others.
On one side of the spectrum, we’ve got critters like Eevee — a big ball of fur and cuddliness. On the other side, we’ve got Porygon — a Pokémon made of … programming code? Is Porygon even an animal? Do I have to feed him poffins? It might explain the whole “putting Pokémon in PCs” thing.
The Pokémon designers over at Game Freak must have some of the most creative minds to come up with stuff like giant, fire-breathing kung-fu chickens. Virtually every Pokémon has a real-life counterpart. Pikachu is a mouse. Mightyena is a hyena. There are countless zoological encyclopedias the developers could sift through, yet they decided that a set of keys is a lot more appealing than any animal on this green Earth.
The thing is, I actually like some of these outlandish designs. I’m just waiting for the day when “Psylager” (a psychic/poison-type beer Pokémon) makes its way onto the scene so I can have an entire team dubbed “The Six Pack.” Can you imagine the bar scene in that region in Gen VII?
Here are five of the most practical Pokémon that actually exist:
Above: I’m not sure if that look on his face says “Ahm gunna eat yer babiez” or “please kill me now.”
You ever overhear Pokéfans talk about competitive battling? You’ll often hear comments like “that Pokémon’s move set is absolute garbage.” Well, surprise, surprise — Garbodor is absolute garbage. I mean literally. It’s hard to tell where his body ends and where his head begins.
According to the Pokédex entry, “When it inhales garbage, it becomes part of its body.” As a college kid with three other roommates, I look at the corner of the apartment where all our trash sits, wishing that Garbodor would come get his lunch. Who needs garbage men or landfills when you’ve got a Garbodor? Sure, he might stink up your house, and he’s not exactly the cuddliest Pokémon, but he’ll gladly do your dirty work.
Above: Chingling … the bell Pokémon. I wish he’d evolve into a tambourine.
When I play a new Pokémon game, I like to identify what kind of Pokémon emerges out of the grass based on their name alone. God bless the American localization team because some of these Pokémon ride a very fine line between punny and just plain obvious.
Chingling is one of those Pokémon where I second-guessed myself. At first I thought, “Oh, cool a chain-link Pokémon. Is it like a fence? Does he evolve and get barbed wire as hair?” No, I’m stupid. It’s a bell Pokémon. It’s a glorified onomatopoeia. So how are bells practical? Christmas. I’d love to have a bunch of Chingling draped in a spiral down my Christmas tree. Every time I’d walk into the room, they’d all sing “Carol of the Bells.” Ching Chingaling Ching Chingaling CHING CHINGALING.
Above: Klefki’s got the key to my heart.
Klefki is a Pokémon I used to despise but is steadily growing on me. Before I leave the house, I do that usual pat-down: I whisper to myself, “Phone, wallet, keys,” as I’m patting my pockets making sure I have everything. It’s as if someone at Game Freak was desperate for ideas during a late-night designing binge, and in comes a janitor carrying his key ring.
As humans, we’re bound to our key ring as a necessity much like our smartphones. We use it to run our cars, open the door to our homes and apartments, and in Klefki’s case — kill dragons. It’s strangely appropriate that Klefki is half fairy type. Every time I misplaced my keys, I’d assume my keys grew legs and walked out. It puts my mind at ease to know they just float away instead.
Speaking of which, how many times have you fumbled around looking for your keys in a bag? With Klefki around, you’ve got yourself a living sustainable set of keys … that will have conversations with you.
Above: Is Honedge’s hilt his … hair?
From the Keyblade in Kingdom Hearts to the Butcher Cleaver in Gears of War, swords have always been in video games in some form or another. If there’s one thing missing in the Pokémon games, it’s big, unwieldy blades.
Honedge pleases the inner swordphile in all of us. There’s always some big crime organization hellbent on trying to take over the world by force, using their Pokémon as tools for destruction and chaos. This is a children’s game? In the first generation of Pokémon, Giovanni, the leader of Team Rocket, exploits Pokémon for his own benefit. Team Rocket did their business by capturing, stealing, and using Pokémon as weapons. It’s sort of ironic that there’s actually a Pokémon that is a weapon. I can’t wait until the next Pokémon crime organization uses Honedge and a handgun Pokémon as their mainstays.
Above: Honedge brings his crew into battle with Swords Dance. Dance battle.
Electric type (varies depending on form)
Above: Rotom, the jack of all appliances.
Rotom’s got so many forms, it would make a Dragon Ball Z villain blush. Rotom can transform into an oven, refrigerator, lawnmower, fan, or washing machine at will. He’s the swiss army knife of home appliances.
Though his transformation might be a little impractical, think about his flexibility. He literally has the basic needs for human life covered. You don’t have to go to Home Depot to get your appliances — just catch five of these suckers. And think about how much you’ll save on electricity. According to the Pokédex, “Its body is composed of plasma. It is known to infiltrate electronic devices and wreak havoc.”
Forget solar power. If you could train a horde of Rotom, you could theoretically run on Rotom power.