Hackers reportedly breached email accounts for former U.S. President George W. Bush and his family, according to The Smoking Gun. The Secret Service confirmed that it is investigating the incident.

“There’s a criminal investigation under way,” Jim McGrath, a spokesman for George H. W. Bush (George W’s father and himself a former president) told AFP. “I can’t get into the specifics.”

The hacker claiming responsibility is called “Guccifer” and has placed related watermarks on the photos he lifted from the Bush family accounts. According to The Smoking Gun, Guccifer was able to take not only photos — one of which includes Bush standing in front of a cardboard cutout of himself — but also personal information such as phone numbers, addresses, and emails for people in the Bush family. Guccifer was also able to unearth private information about the health of former Bush who was recently hospitalized for bronchitis.

Hackers breach email accounts seemingly every day in recent years, so it comes as no surprise that another person’s information has been exposed. But because this information comes from U.S. presidents past, this becomes a much bigger issue. The Secret Service confirmed to Reuters that it is investigating who is behind the hack, though the email likely didn’t contain many state secrets.

According to The Smoking Gun, Guccifer broke into six different Bush family and friend accounts.

George W. Bush image via Official U.S. Navy Imagery/Flickr

Yesterday, I ran down some of the funny ways that developers use Xbox 360 Achievements and PlayStation 3 Trophies to tell players that they suck. Today, I’m getting a little more positive — if a bit morbid — with a bunch of virtual doodads that center around all the funny ways we can kill imaginary things.

Darkest of Days — “Horse Puncher”
Value: 100G
“Punch a horse in the face, killing it.”

Mongo from the film Blazing Saddles in the picture above isn’t the only person who refuses to take guff from any equine punks. Developer 8Monkey Labs’ time-traveling shooter Darkest of Days will add a hefty 100 points to your Gamerscore for sending a horse to blazes using only your mitts. We’re not sure what’s more confusing: that you can punch a horse in Darkest of Days, that you can punch a horse to death in Darkest of Days, or that punching a horse to death in Darkest of Days awards an Achievement comparable in size to the one you’d normally get for beating a game.

I’m just confused all over on this one.

The War of the Worlds — “3.711 m/s² != 9.780 m/s²”
Value: 10G
“Destroy a Drone using a pushable object.”

This Xbox Live Arcade-exclusive 2D platformer is mostly about avoiding and eluding attackers from the Red Planet, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t score a few points for Team Terra along the way. The Achievement’s title refers to the accelerations due to gravity on Mars and Earth respectively, the upshot being that one of our pushable objects sitting at the same height as a Martian one possesses just over two and a half times more potential energy. So between this and that whole “incredibly vulnerable to Earth bacteria” oversight, those aliens didn’t know what the hell they were doing.

Sleeping Dogs — “A Slap in the Face”
Value: 10G/Bronze Trophy
“Kill someone with a fish.”

Have you ever noticed how much fictional criminals like aquariums? You can usually tell how much weight a bad guy pulls by the number of fish he keeps in whatever club or restaurant he uses as a base. It makes sense, I suppose; aquariums are really relaxing, and even upper-level criminal masterminds need to unwind at the end of the day. Developer United Front’s open-world action game Sleeping Dogs turns this right around by allowing players to straight-up murder guys with these gentle stress-balls of the sea.

Just Cause 2 — “Follow Me!”
Value: 15G/Bronze Trophy
“Kill 5 enemies by dragging them behind a vehicle with the grappling hook.”

“Follow Me!” didn’t make this list because I think dragging people behind trucks is inherently funny. I’m just throwing that out there for liability purposes and so you don’t think I’m crazy. But it still makes me chuckle because of the earnestness of its title, which suggests a guy valiantly charging up a fortified hill or making his horse rear up before setting off on the path to adventure. Only, you know, dragging a corpse behind him.

Fairytale Fights — “Good for Your Eyes!”
Value: 15G/Bronze Trophy
“Kill a bunny with a carrot.”

I’m a huge fan of Entertaining Comics-style poetic justice, which is why this reward first appealed to me. “Yeah, screw you, bunny,” I thought. “At last, the carrot shall have its revenge.” Then I did a little more research and learned that the bunnies in question aren’t even enemies; they’re just random cuteness populating the Fairytale Fights world. You unlock the Achievement or Trophy by attacking an adorable creature who never meant you any harm, and which probably spends its last few seconds of its virtual life thinking, “Oh, look! Someone nice person is bringing me a carrot!”

I just made myself sad, but it’s still kind of funny.

The Incredible Hulk — “Let’s Do Lunch!”
Value: 10G
“Crush 10 enemies by throwing either a taco, an ice cream cone or a doughnut.”

“Let’s Do Lunch!” combines the enthusiasm of “Follow Me!” with the food-centric carnage of “Good for Your Eyes!” It’s basically the Achievement equivalent of a Reese’s Fast Break candy bar. It also makes me imagine the Hulk handing out business cards, which I imagine are the size of magazines and on which he has hastily scribbled his misspelled contact information with a giant Crayon. Plus, the idea of killing a bunch of guys with a comically large donut is, in itself, pretty funny … unless you’re one of those guys, obviously.

Splatterhouse — “Morbid Dismemberment”
Value: 5G/Bronze Trophy
“Kill an enemy with your own dismembered arm.”

Rick, the hero of developer Namco Bandai’s remake of 1988′s famously profane beat-’em-up Splatterhouse, is one of the most optimistic video game characters in recent years. You or I might lose an arm in a fight with a demon and think, “Oh, no! My Sandwich Hand! Also, why am I fighting this demon?” Rick, however, looks at his still-twitching limb lying on the floor and realizes that the demon has only provided him with a handy weapon (literally and otherwise). He has the luxury of knowing that his arm will grow back eventually, unlike ours, and he’s also a frightened college student wearing a sentient mask that grants powers in exchange for blood. It’s pretty much the ideal setup for keeping on the sunny side of that whole demon situation.

Borderlands — “My Brother Is an Italian Plumber”
Value: 15G/Bronze Trophy
“Kill an enemy by stomping on its head”

The Borderlands series is not afraid to cram as many references in as possible; it probably has as many nods to movies, TV shows, and other games as it does types of shotguns. So it isn’t really surprising that the first installment would contain an overt Mario reference. What really pushes this reward over the top, however, is that watching someone try to complete it is probably the funniest thing about it. Those head stomps don’t do much damage, after all.

Warriors: Legends of Troy — “Now That’s Just Mean…”
Value: 5G/Bronze Trophy
“Kill 10 fleeing enemies by throwing picked-up weapons.”

Sometimes, Achievements and Trophies encourage you to act like guys from action movies of the ’80s and ’90s; this is among their most important cultural contributions. Take another of Legends of Troy’s rewards, “There’s No Escape,” which unlocks after the first time you kill a fleeing enemy by throwing a picked-up weapon. It resonates in the same way as that scene from Predator in which Dutch throws a machete at a guy, pins him to a wall, and then takes a moment to say “Stick around” before he scampers away to spread his particular brand of joy elsewhere.

“Now That’s Just Mean…,” like a lot of Achievements and Trophies, asks you to do the same badass thing a bunch of times, thus evoking the Law of Diminishing Returns. The act of picking up things and throwing them at guys who are running away goes from awesome to boring, but then it crosses over into absurd when you realize that by all rights, the enemies should have stopped trying to run away after the fourth or fifth time they saw you do that.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II — “Poor Bob”
Value: 10G/Bronze
“Force Grip a Stormtrooper, impale him, zap him with Lightning, then throw him into an object.”

Well-planned Achievements and Trophies can get you to try things in games that you normally wouldn’t and teach you how to interact with the virtual world in new and interesting ways. Fable II, for example, has you kill a rabbit to demonstrate how the civilian-sparing “safety” feature works. “Poor Bob,” in addition to just being a funny thing to do, also incorporates all the game’s major offensive Force powers to show you how they fit together. It demonstrates two key concepts in the game: first, that you can build your own combos, and second, that if you so choose, you can just keep jacking up the same guy for as long as you want.

Warhawk — “That Was Some Bug”
Value: Gold Trophy
“Kill an enemy who is flying a jetpack by hitting him with any vehicle or aircraft.”

The jetpack is one of those things that people want even though they know that it would probably just get them killed, possibly hilariously. But video games provide a safe outlet for our ‘pack lust, which is why they’ve shown up in such disparate franchises as Halo, Red Faction, and Tribes, the marketing slogan of which should have been “This game is about jetpacks.”

The tactical value of strapping a few pounds of fuel to your back and lighting it is clear in games: You can get to where you’re going faster, more directly, and safer than if you were to take your chances on the ground with all the people trying to shoot you. But “That Was Some Bug” injects a sad bit of reality into happy jetpack time and then tops it all off with a name that mocks your silly little aspirations of flight.

I’m not actually sure if this is funny anymore. I really just want a jetpack.

Secret Service — “The Exact Opposite of Your Job”
Value: 0G
“Shot the man you were hired to protect.”

Secret Service is back with another Achievement that will not affect your Gamerscore in the least. I think the developers made the right call on this one, though; it would be tacky to award players points for shooting the President. But good on them for acknowledging that some players might just be that bad at games.

Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker — “You’re Pretty Good”
Value: 20G/Bronze Trophy
“Shot enemy right in the middle of the rear end.”

I’m not entirely sure that this Trophy belongs on the list, since I don’t have any doctors around to ask if a gunshot wound to “the middle of the rear end” is necessarily fatal. But I’m going to go ahead and assume that if it isn’t, the victim would wish it had been.

If you can’t get enough metagaming humor, be sure to check out the other articles in this series:

• Part One: Failures
• Part Three: That’s so meta
• Part Four: I see what you did there
• Part Five: And the rest

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GamesBeat 2013 is our fifth annual conference on disruption in the video game market. You'll get 360-degree perspectives from top gaming executives, developers, and analysts on what’s to come in the industry. Our theme this year is “The Battle Royal.” Check out full event details here, and grab your early-bird tickets here!

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Whether or not you care about your total Xbox 360 Gamerscore or that weird “levels” thing that PlayStation 3 Trophies add up to, it’s nice to know that some developers take a little extra time to try to make their virtual awards for performing in-game tasks entertaining. This week, we’re showcasing some of the funniest imaginary prizes in video games.

Today, I’m looking at some rewards that may not technically be rewards by any reasonable definition. These Achievements and Trophies feature failure, whether on your part or someone else’s.

The Dishwasher: Dead Samurai — “The Peter Moore Achievement”
Value: 8G
“Pay homage to one of our generation’s greatest rock performances ever.”

The press briefings at the annual Electronic Entertainment Expo trade show always generate some genuinely awkward moments. When Microsoft’s then-vice president of Interactive Entertainment Business strapped on a plastic guitar to help developer Harmonix reveal its music game Rock Band at E3 2007, he continued the time-honored tradition of people in suits embarrassing themselves onstage.

The relevant incident comes at the 2:30 mark in the above video, when Moore brings the demo to an abrupt stop by accidentally pausing the game. Two years later, developer Ska Studios commemorated this moment in its Xbox Live Arcade beat ‘em up The Dishwasher: Dead Samurai. The title includes a guitar-solo rhythm minigame in which you must push buttons in time to score points. Pressing the Guide button on your controller during one of these sequences will pause the game, unlock the Achievement, and ruin that whole “ending in zero or five” thing your Gamerscore had going on.

NBA Jam — “Too Late”
Value: 20G/Silver Trophy
“Go up for a game winning dunk, only to have time expire while in mid-air.”

Achievements and Trophies often serve to reward excellent timing and impressive feats. NBA Jam’s “Too Late” celebrates both, but in an “Opposite Day” kind of way. As if it wasn’t enough to require you to lose to get your 20 points or Silver Trophy, this “award” also demands that you spend the entire game setting yourself up so that you’re behind by exactly one point, getting into a position to even attempt the game-winning dunk, and then timing it accordingly. It’s probably easier if you play in multiplayer, but that’s still a ridiculous amount of prep work just to lose.

Akai Katana Shin — “UUUURRRRGGGH”
Value: 5G
“Died immediately after starting the game.”

The nature of the bullet-hell genre demands that you will die a lot. Developer CAVE takes this premise to ridiculous levels for this Achievement for the Xbox Live Arcade port of its arcade shootsploder. You know you’re going to die, anyway, so why not get it out of the way at the start? Your Gamerscore will thank you a little. “UUUURRRRGGGH” also makes this list for having one of the funniest, most on-the-nose names of any Achievement I’ve ever seen.

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 — “Afraid of the Dark”
Value: 10G
“Get the ball within a few inches from the hole without sinking it.”

While “Too Late” awards you for setting yourself up for a very specific kind of failure, Tiger Woods 09′s “Afraid of the Dark” Achievement throws some pity points at you for almost succeeding. You might have seen one of these scenarios play out in real life: The golfer makes a few dozen phantom putts before taking his shot for real, the ball rolls toward the hole, and it’s a special event indeed when a guy is standing there to lift out the flag to clear up all the space that the ball is surely going to need. And then … nothing. The ball stops short, and that poor fellow is just standing there holding the flag and exchanging looks with the crestfallen golfer that say, “We did not anticipate this at all.” It’s a strangely satisfying moment, provided it’s not happening to you, and you’re kind of an asshole.

This Achievement wins bonus points for trying to play it off all cool, like it’s the ball’s fault it didn’t go in.

Hybrid — “Cool Story Bro”
Value: 10G
“Get executed by an enemy Preyon while using Taunt.”

The Taunt feature is one of those weird things that pop up in a lot of games and make no sense. Presumably, it’s designed for players for whom yelling at polygons from their couch is not enough; they also have to know that those polygons realize that someone is mocking them. With a finite amount of controller buttons available to developers, it’s interesting that anyone would decide to dedicate an input to something that serves no tactical purpose and actually does not hurt your enemy’s feelings because they’re only so much data and do not understand our human emotions.

Developer 5th Cell’s (maker of Scribblenauts) Hybrid is a multiplayer shooter, which is one of the few genres in which a Taunt function makes sense — although that doesn’t necessarily make it any less sad to imagine in practice. Even more puzzling: Taunting in Hybrid is an ability that takes up space in your loadout that you might use for something else that could, perhaps, actually help your team win. To earn these 10 points, you have to fall victim to a Preyon while Taunting. Preyons are A.I.-controlled robotic ninjas that automatically seek out and kill the closest enemy player — basically, this game’s version of the Mario Kart series’ Blue Shell, only more ninja-like and stabbier. Like “Too Late,” this Achievement requires a Perfect Storm of fail.

Hasbro Family Game Night — “Enough Already!”
Value: 10G
“Shook the Boggle box for longer than 10 seconds.”

Say what you will about video games based on board games; sometimes they just get it. Take “Enough Already!” in developer Electronic Arts’ Family Game Night, which, like the Yahtzee Cup Slam or the “This is why we never play Monopoly” fist fight, celebrates a universally known part of playing these games. This Achievement simulates playing with the interminable box shaker, a Boggle player so earnest and determined that they rattle those little dice around like they will be able to force them into cooperation through sheer violent will. But the game is on to you, box shaker, and neither it nor the people around you will stand for it.

Portal 2 — “Pit Boss”
Value: 30G/Bronze Trophy
“Show that pit who’s boss.”

At one point in Portal 2, semi-villain Wheatley incites players to jump down a pit after failing to kill them in a more direct way. Doing so unlocks a 30-point Achievement/Bronze Trophy and kills you so you can respawn and listen to that dialogue all over again.

Secret Service — “Expert Marksman”
Value: 0G
“Fired an entire magazine without hitting anyone.”

You’ve really got to hand it to this one. Not only does it require you to blatantly and purposefully fail at one of the shooter genre’s most basic actions, but doing so will not even raise your Gamerscore. “Expert Marksman” is apparently for people who crave completion and feel no shame in going out of their way to suck in the name of checking an item off of a list.

Metal Gear Solid 4 — “Handle with Caution”
Value: Bronze Trophy
“Broke off the most important part of a statue.”

The grabbing of crotches is one of the Metal Gear Solid franchise’s most venerable traditions. It is not my purpose here to try to figure out why that is — I would be likely to run out of Internet long before getting to the bottom of it — but a Trophy in the series’ fourth installment puts a disconcerting twist on the motif.

The game’s hero, Old Snake, has an OctoCamo suit that changes color to allow him to blend in with his environment like some kind of Land Octopus. Early in the game, he can use it to hide among some statues. And apparently, if you really want to escape detection, you have to grab a handful of metal wang and keep your head down. Do it three times for some alarming results.

This Trophy may not really belong on this list, since its completion does not in itself involve failure, but let’s face it: Once the hunt for virtual rewards leads to players clutching an in-game statue’s penis enough times to snap it off, someone might have made a mistake or two somewhere.

If you can’t get enough metagaming humor, be sure to check out the other articles in this series:

• Part Two: Murder is fun(?)
• Part Three: That’s so meta
• Part Four: I see what you did there
• Part Five: And the rest

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GamesBeat 2013 is our fifth annual conference on disruption in the video game market. You'll get 360-degree perspectives from top gaming executives, developers, and analysts on what’s to come in the industry. Our theme this year is “The Battle Royal.” Check out full event details here, and grab your early-bird tickets here!

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