Star Wars: The Old Republic Paging the nearest Jedi: Please mind trick me into believing developer BioWare’s upcoming Star Wars massively multiplayer online role-playing game won’t suck bantha balls. Because, honestly, without the magic wave of a midi-chlorian-infused hand, my desire to play Star Wars: The Old Republic is about as high as watching the late Bea Arthur belt out a cantina ditty on the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Seriously, though: This is coming from someone who absolutely adored both Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic and its not-nearly-as-good, but still highly enjoyable sequel. So, logically, you’d think that if the developer of the original game, BioWare, is making The Old Republic, I’d hardly be able to contain my saber-igniting excitement? Correct. So what’s wrong then? Oh, I’ll tell you.

 

Star Wars: The Old Republic1. The game looks bad. CGI Clone Wars-bad. Actually, worse! Which, in a way, is quite the accomplishment. So, uh, kudos to BioWare for masterfully screwing up one of the easiest licenses to work with. Because messing up the look of Star Wars is like screwing up a piece of toast — seemingly impossible.

2. Strangely, The Old Republic is currently PC-only. OK, that’s not that strange considering this is a MMO. What is strange, however, is that both previous KOTOR games came out on the Xbox first, meaning this series is synonymous with Microsoft’s console. And for it to not appear on it is pretty disappointing for long-time fans like myself. Which leads to my last reason…

3. This doesn’t really feel like a real sequel to the KOTOR series. Sure, it has the “Old Republic” duct taped to the title, but it seems more like a Star Wars Galaxies reboot than the next iteration of a beloved series. Which is probably my biggest source of apathy. Especially considering BioWare has repeatedly said The Old Republic is essentially multiple KOTOR sequels all in one package. Uh, nice try, guys. It’s hard not to imagine what a true sequel would have looked like. Need help conjuring up what could have been? Here you go: Picture Mass Effect’s dynamic dialogue and eye-pleasing graphics engine with a Star Wars makeover. Now that’s hot — Slave Princess Leia-hot.

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I could go on, but what’s the point? It’s obvious The Old Republic is not for me. And no amount of Jedi tomfoolery can get me to change my mind. Like Yoda would say: Disappointed, I am.