Today I was playing Halo 3 when the amount of online douche baggery got to me, and I quit in utter frustration.  After all, a man can only be berated by a racist 12-year old for so long.  I muted the little Hitler but not before other options sprang to mind.  I could turn on my microphone and inform him of his foolishness trying to explain to him the differences between being witty and being an outright dumbass.  I could constantly betray him until either he or I was ejected, or I could go through the menu and report him for his conduct.  I first wanted to just yell at him for the language he was using, but really what good was that going to do?  How can I possibly win an argument with a 12-year old who freely squeaks sentences such as, "Give me the snipe or I’m going to rape you n*ggas until your ass bleeds."  My next idea was to just keep shooting him in the head, but I realized quickly that wasn’t going to enhance my gaming experience.  So I just muted him, and went through the menu and sent a report.  I instantly felt like a mister milk toast.   What was my next move?  Go over to Grandmas and eat cookies while she tells me what a handsome young man I’ve become?

I came to the conclusion that there really isn’t a good solution for my problem.  Arguing with a child is useless and even if I won, so what…it’s a child.  When I go online I constantly find someone who feels the need to prove how big a loser they can actually be.  It’s a problem because while I prefer playing with friends, most of mine aren’t into games.  Besides, I do enjoy playing with new people and every once in a while I meet someone who is rather cool.

I decided that if we can’t sensor what people say and Microsoft probably won’t give me addresses so I can go to people’s homes and pee in their bowl of cereal, we need to implement some sort of test you need to take in order to receive a headset.  After all, if car driving and owning a gun have taught us anything, it’s impossible to do either without a license.

Besides a physical test there could also be a written exam, here is an example of such exam.


Hello and thank you for your $40 and for your interest in an online enabled headset.  As you are well aware online gaming comes with responsibility.  This test will help us better determine whether you are a candidate for such a device.  Please read each question and answer carefully, and remember there is no time limit so feel free to think about your answers.  If you are unable to read and need someone to read the questions for you, then how have you read this so far?

1. I will use my headset primarily for…
A) Communicating and strategizing with other teammates
B) Giving others the opportunity to hear my favorite anime music
C) Lying to my mother that I have a stay at home telecommunication job
D) Saying the word penis in as many ways as possible

2. When I wear a headset I feel…
A) Nothing
B) Lucky that I’ve known my girlfriend/boyfriend for a while now
C) An excitement in areas of my body previously thought unexcitable
D) A sudden fear of homosexuality and/or black people

3. Which of the following am I most likely to say while using my headset?
A) You’re such a n00b! I’ve never n00bed such a n00b in my entire n00b…n00b.
B) I call dual plasma pistols!
C) Motherf’n LAG!!!
D) N*gga, F*ck, F*g, or Canadian.

4. I will use the mute button on my headset when…
A) Eating
B) Eating while arguing with my wife, girlfriend, or mother
C) Eating while using the bathroom
D) All of the above

5. My favorite part about owning a headset is…
A) No more getting punched in the face for the stupid things I say
B) Me speak good
C) The feeling of it gently caressing my skull
D) Not having to play games with people in the same room as me

6. My playing style can best be described as…
A) Natural Born leader- I make a plan and others follow
B) Lone Wolf- I like to hear what’s going on but I’m not going to update my every move
C) Griefer- The only way I have fun is if I ruin the game for others
D) Sasquatch- I always need the best guns and if I don’t get them I’m going to stomp around the level yelling nonsense.

7. Besides in video games how many people have you attempted to kill.
A) Almost zero
B) Do cats count?
C) Like 3 at the most
D) Other _________ (please write in amount if choosing other)

8. How many times have you applied for a headset and been rejected?
A) This is my first attempt
B) 2nd time and I still don’t think cats count
C) Let’s just say I can still count them on one hand
D) The next one will make 10

9. When I play games and I’m losing I…
A) Quit… I didn’t lose if I didn’t finish
B) Whine…I shot him in the head way more times than he shot me.
C) What is this losing?
D) Keep playing but convince myself I’m the better person because I didn’t waste my time getting that good at this game.

10. Which of the following systems will I be using my headset with?
A) Wii- I can’t wait to talk to my girlfriends in Animal Crossing about our day
B) PS3- Clearly the best console for online gaming
C) Xbox 360- So I have someone to actually talk with
D) PC- no more carpal tunnel for me