Editor’s note: I hate it when gamemakers — and publishers — use “sexy ladies” to promote games. It makes gamers look like horny manbabies with only sex on their minds, and I find it insulting to women and gamers alike. Luke shares my disdain. -Jason



Drop dead, Dead or Alive, and back off, Bayonetta, because Tecmo has attained the absolute end point of objectification: TITS ON A WALL!

titsonawall
Click for video
of this masterpiece in characterization

 
TITS ON A WALL! Nothing but big boobies, people looking at them, and an endless expanse of blank space. It’s hard to tell if it’s the sexist-iest thing that you’ve seen or a terrifying glimpse into the mind of advertising executives. It’s not like Ryu Hayabusa was ever Hamlet, but it’s still a daring leap (backward) to go from “one dimensional” to “the girl’s ONLY identifying features are HER GIGANTIC BREASTS!”

(Yes, there’s the gag with the fingers at the edge of the wall panel and how it’s meant to be a ninja failing to hide. So not only are they telling you that she’s a big-titted dumb slut, they’re also using the big tits to tell you about the dumbness! MISOGYNY BONUS!)

This is not “Whining About Sexism in Gaming Column No. 4,433,” as I’m slightly less feminist than an oiled stripper pole. I’m not going to tell guys to stop looking at chests for the same reason that I won’t tell them to stop secreting stomach acid.

But I am pissed at the utter pointlessness of the crap that allows people to view gamers as impotent man-children pawing at pads because we can’t get access to anything else.

If you like these games, own a Dead or Alive Beachball, or have watched the Bayonetta trailer more than once, buckle up, because I’m about to lay something on you: We have the Internet! It’s got more mammaries than you could ever look at, real ones that you could click forever at a pair-per-second rate — and teenagers will still generate daddy-issues instead of employable skills faster than you can keep up.

bayonettaheroine

You don’t need to destroy the credibility of something else to enjoy it! I love looking at the ladies, and I love Lego, but that doesn’t mean I want a face full of tit when I’m putting Lego pieces together!
The Internet has already eliminated so many stupid sexisms: Kids don’t wait up until 1 a.m. to watch softcore action movies anymore. Modern teens will never know the art of hiding a dog-eared Playboy, in the same way that they don’t need to learn to skin a rabbit. Progress!
People ask why fewer girls play games, and this is exactly why they don’t. I remember when Samus’s gender was a genuine surprise instead of an excuse for skin-tight superlycra. I remember when Chun Li was practically flat chested. And I remember that porn and games are meant to be two different things!