Welcome back to Bitmob’s Hit or Miss Weekend Recap, where we take stock of the best and worst of the week in gaming news.
This week: Activision astonishes when they prove themselves capable of doing good on this Earth; Maxim incurs a mother’s wrath; Nintendo does some E3 soul-searching; and Sony takes the first terrifying steps into a world where computers will be able to know when you’re terrified.
Activision is giving away Guitar Hero: Van Halen? Really? Activision? All $60 of it? Really? Well damn — just when you thought you knew a soul-sucking monolithic corporation, huh?
But the flip side to this great offer is they’re giving away Guitar Hero: Van Halen. That’s kind of like selling someone a delicious hoagie and then telling them they’re lucky to have purchased a special promotional hoagie with an extra dose of poison.
…No wait, sorry. That’s my stock comedic simile for when Activision some day gives away Guitar Hero: Poison. Lemme find my stock comedic simile for giving away Guitar Hero: Van Halen…aha, here we go: “Giving away Guitar Hero: Van Halen? That’s like getting a pet kitten, and then discovering it’s a special promotional pet kitten that also comes with a free bear that you can ride on.”
Yes, that would be awesome, because Van Halen frickin’ rules. I really can’t find anything in this story to rip Activision for. Dear reader, I have failed you. Forgive me!
Really, I don’t see what the big deal is. What’s so bad about Maxim? Judging by the September issue I just received in my replacement subscription, this is a magazine clearly fashioned for those with discerning taste and judgment.
For instance, how can you go wrong with regular sections like “Columns” and “Stuff”? Who could deny the appeal of such features as “Hello, My Name is Horny: The Joy of Reunion Sex” or “The 40 Greatest Moments in Dude-Dom” (one such moment: “First U.S. patent issued for a bong”). And why, why wouldn’t you want to read such useful information as a biography of Mezcal?
You know what, screw the kid. I’m pissed that I’m getting this thing. Why the hell do people read this again?
“…Yes, I’d like to renew my subscription to Maxim…. Uh, let’s go ahead and make it 15 years — and immediately.“
“It is apparent that we could not fully convey the charm of our products,” said Nintendo president Satoru Iwata about their E3 press conference, referring specifically to how he felt New Super Mario Bros. Wii wasn’t shown as well as it could have been.
I’m not a marketing genius, but I think I know why: Moments before the game was revealed, Cammie Dunaway promised they had moved Mario into the “fourth dimension,” which actually made the crowd momentarily wonder whether Nintendo had invented time travel. Undersell, Nintendo. Undersell.
In fact, if you really want to improve your show next year, here are three simple steps: 1) float a bunch of fake news leaks before the conference that you will release ravenous blood crows into the audience to feast on their tasty innards, 2) announce awesome games instead, and 3) save any insane emotion-sensing technology until months after everyone’s stopped paying attention.
See? It’s already working for Sony!
Bringing us one step closer to the day when your computer will ask in a serene and detached tone why you cry, Sony has patented a new method to detect your emotions using a camera, a microphone, and a PS3. At last, the world will finally have a verifiable database of just how much shame Genji owners actually feel.
But what, you may be wondering, could actual practical uses of such technology entail, other than identifying deep-rooted madness (pictured, above)? Glad you asked, because I see tons of awesome potential. Here are but a few humble suggestions I have for Sony, seeking nothing in return but billions of dollars and, if they’ve happened to file a patent for it, immortality.
1) “Vipassan? Meditation Fit.” Sit in front of your TV and endeavor to remain free of all emotion for as long as possible as you contemplate your inner being. And if the PS3 notices you breaking your concentration, it’ll punish you with Sony’s patented PS3 Taser.
2) “Last Comic Standing: The Game.” Players will try their hands at stand-up in front of their TVs, hoping to elicit genuine laughs from PS3 owners watching from around the nation. They will more likely be met with nothing but a cold and deathly silence and the occasional heckler over voice chat.
3) “Anger Management: The Game.” First, the PlayStation Eye scans the face and voice of your father to recreate him in-game. Virtual Dad then proceeds to spend three hours telling you to stop wasting your life and get a real job and watch fewer cartoons because you’re not a damn kid anymore, and you gain points for every minute you remain composed. Scores are shared on an online leaderboard, but unlike most games, the lowest scorers win the best prize: free family therapy sessions.