Google translator is a fantastic tool, but it doesn’t so much work on crappy DSi pictures of crappier Famicom games. Hence, the review you’re reading for Anime Maybe Golf Thing contains a healthy amount of guess work. Perhaps you’re wondering, given my less than existent knowledge of Japanese, why would I purchase this game? There were two deciding factors: 1. One hundred yen price point and 2. Anatomically impossible skirt length.

cart
The AMGT cartridge. For a high resolution pic, click here*.
*Then book a flight to Tokyo, bring a better camera, and buy a copy. It’s only a buck, cheapass.

 

 

namcot
Namcot- THE name in possibly anime themed sports sims.

I wasn’t expecting much for my nominal investment, but AMGT is actually the deepest golfing lifestyle simulator I’ve ever played. The immersive experience starts at the character creation screen where you can choose from several incredibly realistic golfer avatars to play as. After careful consideration, I went with infamous pants-wetter, Dom Deluise.

dom
I like how the avatars are presented on taro cards. Light some incense and you’re effectively multitasking.

sstd?
This is, most likely, where you name your character. Just call me ‘Sideways Sailboat Tunnel Dot?’.

Playing is simple, choose your club and sit through the all too familiar ‘hit A’ power bar routine. It’s usually a breeze to make under par; the courses really aren’t that challenging with never much more than a dog leg or pond to stand in your way. Although the actual gameplay is pretty much exactly like any other NES golf game you’ve ever played, realism is kept up by a virtual representation of the stuck up girl from high school disapproving after every shot. Additionally, after completing a course your golfer retires to his lavish and totally necessary home prior to the next ‘day’ of play.

golf
Par 5 and I can see the hole from the tee. Japanese games are just sadistic.

hs girl
I’m two under par- how are you not impressed? Maybe I should get a tribal tattoo…

house
The estate of Mr. Sideways S. Tunnel Dot?.

You can also opt to play in tournament mode where you’ll demoralize your opponents coming in like 15 under par. I probably missed a difficulty option somewhere but, after Booby Kids, my self-assurance needed the boost. The real draw to tournament mode is the rogue’s gallery of golfers you’ll compete against. Though not the most challenging golf game, AMGT is a frightening representation of several deranged yuppie-types.

renee
Renee Zellweger looks pissed.

bopper
Mr. Sparkle from The Simpsons and The Big Bopper had a kid.

pedo
99% of the pedophiles you see in the paper.

jacko
The other 1%.

bob ross
Bob Ross looks confused.

hs girl mom
Stuck up high school girl’s mom. Not pictured: A glass of wine at 11am.

weeble
How the hell is a Weeble person meant to swing a golf club? I think he may have swallowed a dinner plate whole. Hang in there, adam’s apple!

run
THERE’S NO TIME, JUST RUN!

After beating the laughable-yet-haunting CPU opponents, you’re treated to an award ceremony. Back in the days before badass FMVs and achievement points this was really your only payoff for spending time on a game, so imagine my delight when this is what came up:

forlorn
Hosted by Forlorn Michaels there in the corner. Cheer up, man- it’s almost over.

AMGT is a shitty golf game packed in with a fantastic rich asshole simulator; just ask my friends. I’ve been a condescending jerk for a week due to the immersive, alluring nature of Tunnel Dot?’s lifestyle. Having played this game, I can now confidently say I’ve lived the good life- the sort of life afforded to those fortunate Dom Deluises that have the skill and dedication to ‘hit A’. I fully recommend this game to anyone who can’t read Japanese and has a penchant for back stories. Those who can read Japanese should pass this one up and get back to Dragon Quest IX.