Someone once told me that a custom ringtone is an extension of one’s personality. I forget the context (probably some college philosophy class that went wrong), but nowadays, I liken those who buy ringtones to the same kind of people who use spacebucks to buy stuff for their Xbox Live Avatar; it’s ultimately harmless, but you want to make the right choice so people don’t think you’re a tool. So when you make the choice to go with a video game song for a ringtone because you think it’s stupid that Verizon charges three bucks for 15-second clips of emo crap, you’re inviting people to make assumptions about your dorkiness, fair or not. And since people aren’t likely to tell you how they really feel about your ringtone out of courtesy, here’s what they really think. Just a little something to think about.
If your ringtone is…
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Stage 1-1 of Super Mario Bros. – you haven’t played a video game in 20 years and actually think this is a clever idea. “No one else would think of using Mario for a ringtone,” you say to yourself. Oh, and while you’re at it, I happen to have a matching Mario Halloween costume that NO ONE ELSE will be wearing.
Green Hill Zone from Sonic The Hedgehog – Sega has (amazingly still) enough cred that it could be “cool,” but I’m guessing most people will think you like bossa nova elevator music when your phone rings.
The first stage of Bionic Commando – your heart hasn’t been broken by the recent revival (no, not Bionic Commando: Rearmed, that was awesome. I mean the 3D Spider-Man wannabe that shut down Grin.).
Any of the tracks from the original Out Run – you secretly long for days driving down Pacific Coast Highway with a hot blonde (with clear heels) in a Ferrari. Like a great person once said, “it’s nice to want things.”
The Wii Menu music when you first turn on the system – also sometimes mistaken for the sound of money hemorrhaging. Probably exclusive to Nintendo boss Reggie Fils-Aime.
You have a ringtone from a Commodore 64 or TurboGrafx-16 – did these systems even have music? Unless the discussion is about Ys Book I and II, I cannot recall any music from these two consoles.
Music A to the Game Boy version of Tetris – you could be mistaken for being into Russian folk music; not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Any song from Revenge of Shinobi or Streets of Rage – you’re stuck in the early 90s and secretly hope that parachute pants go back in style.
“Party Hard” by Andrew W.K. (“that song” from Madden 2001…. or 2002…. or 2003…. yeah, it was one of those) – you’re stuck in the early 2000s and secretly long for the days when it was ok to think Britney Spears was hot.
Specific songs from the Earthbound soundtrack for each contact you have – get over it. Nintendo is never ever going to bring Mother 3 to the US. Ever. Note: If the secret Illuminati of Earthbound fans come to get me, well, it was nice knowing you all.
“Dragula” by Rob Zombie (found in countless 90s “extreme” sports games and amazingly Gran Turismo 2) – you have no soul and your phone should be shot at first sight.
Zelda’s Lullaby from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time – you secretly cosplay as Tingle and I’ve probably pasted your picture on my old links of the weeks posts.
“Is This Love” by Bob Marley – this is the ending song to Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball. Uh, not that I ever played that game to completion. I was busy blowing stuff up in uh… Call of Honor in Time of Duty uh… moving on….
Any Final Fantasy song (particularly “One-Winged Angel”) – you’re either a big Nobuo Uematsu fan (totally acceptable) or you have a zipper fetish (in which case, you’re a freak).
Bubble Man’s theme in Rockman/Mega Man 2 – you have a vast appreciation of chiptune music and for that, I applaud your good taste.
Any song from Cool Spot, Earthworm Jim, MDK, or Wild 9 – your name is Tommy Tallarico.
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