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Even if you haven’t yet played BioWare’s epic new RPG Dragon Age: Origins, the principle of social osmosis means you’re probably still familiar with one of the game’s features: homosexual intercourse. Throughout the game, you’re given the option to romance your various party members even to the point of building a sexual relationship. And yes, certain characters will swing both ways.
This makes Dragon Age a commendable rarity: A game that caters to many sexual predilections, be a player straight, gay, or bi. Many, except for one glaring omission:
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There’s a character named Wynn, see. And she’s not a romance option in the game. Why? As near as I can tell, the only reason is because she’s old. I mean, like, grey-haired, wrinkly-faced, probably-does-pilates-but-is-deluding-herself-into-thinking-it’s-reversing-the-cruel-flow-of-time old.
But you know what, BioWare? Some people find that hot. I’m not saying I do. Let’s be clear about that. I do not find GILFs hot. In fact, I don’t even recognize them. There are no Gs I would like to F, let’s put it that way, so I wouldn’t know a good G to F when I see one.
But reader, I am a man of the people. And though I do not agree with shtooping any woman over the age of, oh, let’s be charitable and say 40, I will still fight to the death for someone else’s disturbing right to shtoop them. And by them, I mean ancient-ass grannies. Who am I to forbid anyone of gross, wrinkly, Old Spice-scented love?
And another thing: What of Wynn? Do not her aged, ragged loins also writhe at the thought of white-hot passion? Do not her probably arthritic bones quake for the embrace of a man and/or woman just as any others? Old chicks need love too, BioWare. And again I want to make clear I am not among those who would want to provide it for them. But if some degenerate or another is willing, where’s the harm in that?
BioWare, this is ageism of a shockingly naked sort. I don’t mean that naked old people are shocking, because they’re not. They’re beautiful in their own disgustingly leathery way. Or I guess that’s what a GILF-lover would tell you, I dunno. As we’ve established, I don’t count myself among their ranks. But my point is this is ageism that’s so immediately apparent, so obviously committed without a second thought that it reveals just how much deep-seeded and pervasive discrimination there still is in this country against hot old people. Has John McCain’s historic presidential campaign taught us nothing?
Look, I’m going to say this plain as day for those affected by this unfair and discriminatory decision, but don’t assume this is what I actually believe, because it’s not. But some grandmas are just hot, okay? They are. And I use “grandma” in the general sense. They don’t actually have to be grandmothers, just around that age. If you’re telling me you wouldn’t F Helen Mirren, you’re a liar. You’re a damn liar, and you go to hell.
I feel my tone has become too combative. Let me back up and instead appeal to your reason. I know there are those who would argue this is a “slippery slope.” That’s what they always say. “First GILF sex, then what? GILF marriage?” these GILF-lover haters say. But under no circumstances, BioWare, should this have been accepted as a reason to prohibit the option of GILF sex in Dragon Age. To suggest that appeasing GILF lovers would under some strained logic lead to any other kind of abominable and unnatural love is to insult the fundamental decency of GILF lovers the world over, whoever those sick weirdoes may be. That shit is gross.
But honestly, the day someone asks to do the assassination tango with that stupid dog, then you can talk to me — or rather a GILF lover, not me — about slippery slopes. But until that day comes, BioWare, I demand you use DLC to add GILF sex to Dragon Age. For them.
UPDATE: Okay, I just got to the part in Dragon Age where you can visit a brothel, and choosing the “Surprise me” option can put you in a room with a dog.
What the hell, BioWare? Dag.
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