[Published by D-Dub Software]

[Developed In-House; 2009]

????1/2 

For too long gamers have had to juggle masturbation and gaming–in this hectic economy, it’s simply too big of a risk to jerk at work.  I know I’ve had my troubles (haven’t we all?)  With Bonetown, D-Dub Software aim to make a game about your balls, at least the game’s opening monologue tells you as much.  Bonetown is far from a self-serving bump-n-grind, as it encompasses a large world full of diverse characters who represent America’s minorities that are rarely featured in video games.  The game lets you befriend pygmies, Native Americans, Mormons, and Mexicans.  Even better, you get to bone with them! 

After waking up on a beach, resembling that iconic epilogue of 2001’s Ico, the player finds himself at the whim of a succulent, hourglass shaped Cindy.  Up into this point in gaming we have only seen a “side boob” courtesy of the visionaries at Quantic Dream and Bioware.  More recently, Pandemic Studios revealed the possibilities of boob DLC, but D-Dub leap frog a couple years and give the player the full package.  Vagina?  Check!  Asshole?  Assolutely!  Watering mouth hole?  Why not!  The game confirms what we’ve always known as gamers but have never been able to experience: manipulating women is easy as a click of a button when you’re a black dude with a 12-inch hard on.   

Bonetown features cartoonish depictions of Native reservations, Hispanic slums, and trailer parks that bring some much needed levity.

Yikes, I’m jumping ahead!  As you can imagine, there is so much to discuss that I can’t keep my enthusiasm for all equally well executed elements of the game to burst forth like the beautifully rendered ejaculate that the player has the pleasure of dispersing throughout the game–recalling a similar “game-feel” from the much underrated Super Mario Sunshine.  I’m sure D-Dub would have given Mario the pleasure of boning done on Bonetown’s vast array of morbidly obese and crack-addicted lovelies, but we are talking about an indie developer that has little hope of obtaining that iconic avatar from the far less imaginative hands of Nintendo.  For the time being, your avatar in Bonetown is customized to your race.  I’ve never experienced a game that has each ethnic group so accurately depicted.  Those blacks have afros, the orientals speak woefully, and the Caucasians-type represents the ideal, perfect lifeform.  It’s simply sublime game design we rarely see in the age of Activision cranking out a new war every year in spite of our troops defending our freedoms over seas–Bonetown begs the question to be asked, “Isn’t it time we see some loving in our games?” 

While the meat and bones of title relies on the tense love-making scenes that require a masterful sense of filling a bar with button presses until it’s full, you’ll often be lost in the world and fighting for your life and love.  As opposed to rabidly racist games like Modern Warefare 2 (with it’s controversial Airport scene–AMERICANS WOULD NEVER DO THAT!), Bonetown lets the player explore a world of the lower class, under-privileged souls.  You don’t just passively observe misfortune, finally we have  game that lets you lend a hand and/or boning.  Additionally, the game doesn’t shy away from habitual drug use, something we all know is good for us but for some reason other developers shy away from.  In Bonetown, the player can smoke weed, drink whiskey, lick psychedelic toads, toke on a crack pipe, and eat shrooms.  Each item has a different effect on the player that opens up a new layer of possibilities within the game’s minimalistic, yet impeccable combat system.  Do you take the shrooms and hammer on the left mouse click button or go with the toad and hammer on the right mouse button?  Don’t worry, most likely you’ll end up exploring all options soon enough if you feel anywhere near as compelled as I did to revisit Bonetown upon my initial playthrough. 

Mormons and Native Americans aren’t just represented in Bonetown, but accurately depicted.  It makes one wonder, is this video gaming’s Birth of a Nation?

The first moment that I knew I was playing a masterpiece was when my Redneck Jewish cousin Uzi gave me the task of protecting his fellow trailer inhibitors from being raped by a gang of pygmies.   So I grabbed a bone, beat the pygmies, but then something very strange happened.  The pygmies started disappearing and reappearing, like some nightmare that refuses to let me rest.  Eventually they stop running into the nearest fence–perhaps, driven by the madness of guilt–and the female I save lets me pleasure her both orally, anally, and vaginally.  It was a beautiful moment in game design where everything just clicked.  Here I am in Bonetown.  I save the lives I can and bone the babes that will let me.  I save the Native Americans, but they can’t save themselves from their hopeless existence of drinking and gambling.  I’ll bone the nearest hooker who will let me for $20, but I’ll have to watch other women pass me by on the street, never knowing the relationships we could have had (anal?  oral?)  In an industry so worried about offending incompetent, oriental English-speakers and well-hung black men, I think D-Dub is to be applauded for being true to themselves and nonobjective truth.  In the words of a former cell mate I was friends with–heh, those were the days–women are meant to be used, not wasted.   

This is the next generation jerkin’ you’ve been waiting for, PC gamers!

[video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daWvuiK7JeM 320×265]

Glorious footage of the Kottonmouth King-approved Bonetown.