fable_3

This week on Hit or Miss: Activision gets painfully honest in their Call of Duty assessments; NeoGAF shocks the world when they actually contribute something to society; Holy Invasion of Privacy, Badman! gets a name change; and Microsoft’s X10 news gets a rundown worthy of at least four rimshots.

But first, I’d like to take a moment to wish everyone reading (especially the ladies) a very special, sensual, scintillating Chinese New Year. Pretty sure that’s the only holiday worth giving a damn about today.

 

MissIconFinal2Activision Says New Call of Duty “Won’t Repeat 2009 Success”

In a transparent attempt to manage expectations, Activision Publishing president and CEO Mike Griffith said during a conference call earlier this week that the new Call of Duty will, compared to Modern Warfare 2, suck balls.

“I’ve called for this assembly of the press to make a very important announcement: This year’s Call of Duty will blow ass,” Mr. Griffith began. “OK, no, not blow ass. Let’s be fair. It really won’t be that bad. But compared to Modern Warfare 2? I mean, did you people play that game? Hot damn. I’ve seen our new CoD, and it’s all right, but I’m telling you right now it’ll be like going from dating Zooey Deschanel to Carrot Top. You may well feel a sudden urge to kill yourself in the transition.”

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From left: Modern Warfare 2, new
Call of Duty (visual approximations)

There was an awkward moment following this tirade when someone informed Mr. Griffith that developers from Treyarch — the studio in charge of this year’s CoD — were standing behind him the whole time. A long, tense silence followed, broken by what sounded like footsteps quickly scampering away, a car door slamming, and tires peeling out.


MissIconFinal2Holy Invasion of Privacy, Badman! is Being Renamed

I never played this game so I barely know what the hell it’s about, but I can tell you right now that renaming it from the crazy awesome “Holy Invasion of Privacy, Badman! What Did I Do to Deserve This?” to “What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!?” is bullshit. Sure, “What Did I Do to Deserve This, My Lord!?” is still satisfactorily crazy awesome, but crazy awesome is relative.

Imagine if I told you that a year before The Matrix came out, a similar but even crazier awesome movie was released? Suddenly The Matrix would seem a lot less crazy awesome, right? I can prove this, because Dark City came out in 1998 and anyone who’s seen both knows what I’m talking about.

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Accomplished in 100 minutes what took
the Wachowskis three movies to fuck up.

So I think we need a new rule: When a name reaches a certain level of crazy awesome, it should be immune to copyright law interference. And to increase the odds of getting this matter before the Supreme Court, I’m announcing the development of three new games with names deliberately ripping-off famous catch-phrases:

1) A simple puzzle-piece-rearranging game called “What’s Up, Block?”

2) A 3D platformer starring my own donkey mascot called “I Pity the Mule: Fire Walk with Me”

3) An action game about a bodyguard protecting an actress from a dangerous stalker called “Remember to Have Your Threat Spayed or Neutered: Action Jackson”


HitIconFinalDude! Dudebro II Reaffirms Faith in Humanity, Dude

Speaking of ridiculous names. I don’t know what the odds are of two news stories about crazy awesome titles occurring in the same week, but we should probably consider this a very bizarre equivalent to a meteor shower.

I’m not going to dwell long here, because I know when I’m outclassed. There is nothing I could write about Dudebro: My Shit is Fucked Up So I Got to Shoot/Slice You II: It’s Straight Up Dawg Time that can be funnier than that title. It’s like trying to write jokes about this picture:

cool_dog
Clearly impossible.

So instead, I will simply direct you to Andrew Hiscock’s excellent coverage of what will surely win the Best Terrible Idea That’s Weirdly Still Awesome category in Bitmob’s 2010 non-award awards, and then introduce a possibly recurring new segment I call “Holy Shit this is Real.”

Ahem.

Nearly 100 volunteers around the world are developing a game called Dudebro: My Shit is Fucked Up So I Got to Shoot/Slice You II: It’s Straight Up Dawg Time solely out of devotion to an incredibly stupid Internet meme. Holy shit this is real.


HissIconFinalMicrosoft’s X10 Event News Rundown

Lastly, Microsoft announced a ton of Xbox 360 news at their X10 event last Thursday, much of it ranging in degree of Hitness and Missness. I have a lot on my plate and little room to address it all, so let’s do this:

INITIATE SHAMELESS ONE-LINERS MODE.

Good: Alan Wake, Remedy’s psychological horror game in development for five years, has finally been dated for May 18. Spoiler warning: The psychologically horrifying part comes when you turn it on, only the words “Just kidding” pop up, and you slowly realize Remedy was screwing with us all along.

Bad: Game Room, Perfect Dark, and Scrap Metal — a car combat game with an anaglyph 3D mode — are all releasing in March as part of “Xbox Live Block Party.” This narrowly beat out the less catchy but more honest promotional name, “Xbox Live Thing We Don’t Care About, Wish was GoldenEye, and Was a Lame Gimmick in the ’50s and Still Sucks Today Party.”

Good: Capcom’s latest Dead Rising 2 build showed how main character Chuck Greene can use dildos as weapons. Luckily for zombies, Greene’s safe word just coincidentally happens to be “braaaaaiinnnns.”

Oddly still not allowable as weapons, though: projectile otters. Really weird thing to be selective about, ESRB.

Bad: And finally, after Peter Molyneux warned that changes in Fable 3 might get people “super pissed,” it turned out he was talking about removing the HUD and health bar. So in other words, Fable 3’s big F-You are a couple of revolutionary ideas last memorably seen in Donkey Kong Country.

Congratulations, Peter Molyneux: You’re still Peter Molyneux.

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Oh, what the hell: Happy Valentine’s Day!