Bitmob Staff: I intercepted this article on the morning of May 5, 2010. It contains confidential information, and we should remove it immediately. Please ensure that you do not mix up the "Delete Article" and "Promote to Front Page" buttons, which are inconveniently located next to each other. If this gets out, God help us all. -Andrew


Do you know the name cofounders Dan "Shoe" Hsu and Demian Linn had originally selected for Bitmob? Do you know why Shoe started a community website? Do you know whose stage name is "Female Gambit"? 

On May 5, the one year anniversary of Bitmob, a research team led by Alex R. Cronk-Young dug up the real facts behind the site. They went after the dirt — the stuff that Shoe and Demian have tried to hide for a year. The team reported their findings on Twitter using the tag #BitmobFacts.

This is what they discovered.


Alex R. Cronk-Young — @acronkyoung

— True story: Bitmob launched on Cinco de Mayo because it was the only day Dan Hsu would remember.

— Bitmob is planning on creating a mascot. It is an ostrich that eats snow cones. Also, it has lots of attitude.

 

— Bitmob Editor Greg Ford isn't at school. The staff wanted him to lay low for a while so they wouldn't be associated with bankruptcy.

— Dan Hsu and Demian Linn don't actually exist. They are just personae Jason Wilson uses to write with.

— Those weren't really American Apparel ads; Demian Linn just needed an excuse to photograph a bunch of girls in his apartment. 

— In a drunken haze, Demian once admitted to Toby Davis, Bitmob moderator, that he secretly loved South Park for the Nintendo 64. Toby will never let him forget it. 

— Use of the title "community manager" is Andrew Hiscock 's cute way of saying he's going to kill us. 

— Rob Savillo, Bitmob editor, only writes about X-Com and Demon's Souls because he is actually 7 years old, and those are the only games his mom bought him. 

— Chris Davidson and Travis McReynolds are actually just split personalities of Andrew Hiscock, the funniest man in the world. 

— Bitmob was only created to help recruit new soldiers in the Great but Also Secret Video Game Website Wars. IGN and Gamespot had gained the upper hand, but then Giant Bomb killed Crispy Gamer (too soon), and 1UP began bleeding out (long enough), so Dan Hsu began a site that would allow a mass amount of soldiers to overpower the powerhouse sites with sheer numbers instead of talent.

— Brian Shirk actually ghostwrites for every single Bitmob community member. 

— Mark T. Whitney is also a robot, but as Brian Shirk got the "quality and quantity" chip, Whitney got the "quality and be ignored" chip. 

— Andrew Hiscock thinks he's hilarious, but he always forgets that people from real countries don't get moose, hockey, or syrup references.

— Jasmine Maleficent Rea has killed people for mistaking "then" and "than," and she'll do it again. 

— Demian Linn started a podcast for Bitmob with Ryan Scott, Gamespy executive editor, and Ray Barnholt, 1UP editor, but the test episode was just two hours of silence. 

— Chris Davidson is the third Bitmob community member that is actually a robot. The problem is, he is Bender from Futurama


Lance Darnell — @the_lancer

— Besides the Mobcast and Pixel Revolt, Bitmob has a supersecret third podcast that only contains the sound of Bitmob Editor Michael Donahoe cooking. 

— Robert Ashley was bombarded by calls from needy Christians after being called the voice of God on the Mobcast

— It has been scientifically shown that posting on Bitmob will increase the size of your family. 

— Forty-two percent of Bitmobbers have a mancrush on either 8-4 Executive Director Mark MacDonald or Bitmob Editor James DeRosa. 

— The name Bitmob comes from an ancient papyrus Demian Linn found while searching for the elixir of life.

— Bitmob 2.0 will end world hunger and poverty.

— Dan Hsu will run for and win the presidency in 2021. Jason Wilson will close all schools, claiming they promote bad grammar. 

— The writer persona only known as "Mi" is really me channeling my thoughts through Jeffrey Sandlin.

— Alex Cronk-Young gets most of his posts by hacking into other Bitmobbers' computers and stealing their work.

— Any conversation with a Bitmobber likely degrades into penis jokes within an hour. 

(Read on for more facts!)

Travis McReynolds — @cojirro

— Bitmob was initially conceived to sell diet pills online. Focus groups later lead to the gaming-community theme. 

— At the ribbon cutting for Bitmob, Dan Hsu said, "This is going to be great. Nerds eat this web 2.0 shit up". 

— "… [I] didn't create the Internet for global info-sharing but so people could unite to bitch about Mario" — Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of the World Wide Web. 

— The most-used tag for community posts at Bitmob is "m4m."

— Bitmob 2.0 will herald the return of AOL's keyword system. Suck it, Prodigy users. 

— Dan Hsu added the community aspect of Bitmob in an attempt to fulfill state-mandated community-service hours.

— The name "Bitmob" originated from an obscure, public-domain novel by Chaucer intended as the sequel to The Canterbury Tales.

— Tim Tebow, professional football player, isn't worth the money. 

— At Bitmob, we don't believe jokes get old — they simply mature. 

— Did you know? Bitmob is currently the most common search term on AltaVista. 

— Chris Davidson is actually an (obviously) hilarious stage name. The contributor's real name is Herman Talmadge. 


Andrew Hiscock –@andrewjhiscock

— The two people in the Bitmob logo are named "Shoe" and "Sonic." In early designs, they held hands.

— Demian Linn hasn't uttered a word in six years. His Mobcast appearances are cut and edited from The Legendary Thread. 

— Aaron Thomas, Bitmob editor, actually married a DDR machine, and they were playing the game "Beautiful Bride."

— Rich McGrath, Bitmob's lead developer, controls the Internet from a secret bunker in an unnamed Middle Eastern country that's ripped from the headlines.

— The Warcraft Hero draws Bitmob Intern Mike Minotti, not the other way around. 

— Bitmob Editor Jay Henningsen's puzzles, when a collected whole, are one gigantic metapuzzle. Spoiler: Your princess is in another castle.

— Jason Wilson secretly dangles modifiers.

— Bitmob is a subsidiary of the Russian Mafia.

— Seanbaby is the scientific name for a juvenile of the species Sean.

— Brett Bates didn't grow a beard. His beard grew him.

Jeffrey Grubb legally changed his name from Jeffrey Teddy Ruxpin.

— Derek Lavigne's former facial hair was a result of lack of antialiasing. It's been corrected in the retail version.

— Chris Ross is not J. Cosmo Cohen's real name. It's Cid.

— Matt Giguere is not Japanese.


Mark T. Whitney — @markwhitney

— After EGM closed, Dan Hsu and Demian Linn tried many "unique" jobs. But after figuring out AIDS isn't a flavor of Tic Tac, Bitmob was born. 

— Dan Hsu was going to turn Bitmob into his personal blog but then realized it would cut into his Achievement whoring. 

— Bitmob formed on Cinco de Mayo because it started off as a drunken game of "Dude, I bet people will totally buy this shit!" 

— Bitmob 2.0 ignores the Mayan calendar. Its release date? December 22, 2012. Dan Hsu's comment? "Eat it, Mayans."

— Other websites have men acting like women, but Bitmob is the exact opposite: All contributors are actually 12-year-old girls.

— Alex Cronk-Young doesn't have a daughter; it's just pictures of his penis in a little dress. She is also known as Lugubrious G.

— Evan Killham doesn't actually exist. It's really just Jasmine Rea's male persona.

— Lance Darnell, Bitmob moderator, stopped commenting on so many articles because one day his stash ran low and shit just got real.

— Travis McReynolds didn't actually disappear from Bitmob. He was every single troll in the comments.

(Read on for more facts!)

Jon Shults — @sm4kxd

— Bitmob's early performance issues were due to the entire website running off of Dan Hsu's iPhone.

— The Bitmob Beard Club is no joke. We are the puppet masters behind it all. 

— Bitmob's first sizable investor was titsbrand.com, followed shortly by American Apparel.


Alejandro Quan-Madri — @aquma

— The editors at Bitmob are just for show — in reality, the interns are running the show.

— Bitmob is actually an organized-crime syndicate. We just call it video-game journalism for tax-filing purposes.


Matt Giguere — @giggysan

— One day, former 1UP Editor Shane Bettenhausen took a nap. Doing so allowed Dan Hsu time to unleash Bitmob. Shane has never slept again.

— Today is the only day Chris Davidson allows the Bitmob community to drink him under the table. Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

— When Jesus's side was pierced, he bled green, white, and black. 

— Alex Cronk-Young's computer is so old, he has to send in his stories via Morse code.

— The day Jason Wilson likes Chrono Trigger the world will end, possibly because he learns how to summon Lavos. 

Gamemaster4747's secretly wants Tina Sanchez, 1UP community manager, fired so she can work for Bitmob.

— Entering the Konami Code on Bitmob unlocks instantaneous front-page status.

— Bitmob: where clichés and passive voice go to die in an unassuming office building.


Tom Heistuman — @crys383

— Dan Hsu immediately e-mails death threats to all members who sign up with a fake name. 

— When Sasquatch came out from hiding, he found that only one site worthy of his interest. Who do you think Lance Darnell really is? 

— Roger Ebert specifically avoids Bitmob so that he will have more ignorance to base his arguments on. 


Jeffrey Sandlin — @mi_wuz_here

— Bitmob contributors don't die; they are only "missing in action."

— Bitmob was created because a thousand monkeys with typewriters turned out to not be good enough. We need new Shakespeare!


Evan Killham — @evankillham

— Later this year, Lance Darnell will make his one-millionth comment. This is a signal to the aliens to blow up Jupiter. 

— Alex Cronk-Young is obsessed with ostriches because he is part ostrich. Don't ask which part unless you've had several beers. 

— Mark Whitney is better known in some circles by his stage name, Female Gambit. 


Frank Anderson — @videosta

— There were plans to make a print version of Bitmob, but then the publisher, Charmin, dropped out. 

— The name Bitmob wasn't actually the first choice, but Bombit was typed wrong due to Shoe's dyslexia, and they just went with it. 

— Gamemaster4747 is not real — he is an elaborate plan by Cody Winn to steal 1UP community members and lead them to Bitmob. 

— Dan Hsu made a deal with Ubisoft that forces him to mention Splinter Cell multiplayer in as many podcasts as possible.

— Dan Hsu's plan is to eventually sell Bitmob and start his true dream site — KuteKittens.com. 

— In the future Dan Hsu plans on opening Bitmob's sister site for porn — Buttmob. 


Juan Letona — @juanchitomayor

— Juan Letona celebrates Cinco de Mayo every day of the year. 


Alex Martin — @ADewiM

— As Dan Hsu said on the Mobcast with Giant Bomb guys, he liked their site's name. This is why Bombit was their first choice for a website. 

— Bitmob community Last.fm group's first chart: Cure, Lightning Seeds, Police, Queen, Placebo are most popular. 


Luke Waters — @lukeisamazing

If you give Travis McReynolds a hashtag, he's going to go nuts.


Cody Winn — @nintendotheory

The reason I don't post on Bitmob much? I keep losing myself in Jeffrey Grubb's eyes and forget to blog.


Luke McKinney — @lukemckinney

Wishes Bitmob could afford him. He loves writing for that site. 


James DeRosa — @jamesderosa

The tagline for Bitmob was originally "Where Community Eats the Press." It was revised after a Bitmobber ate Michael Donahoe. 


Suriel Vazquez — @surielvazquez

Eventually, Demian Linn and Dan Hsu are just going to leave all the posting up to people they've recruited and collect all the checks. 


Chris Davidson — @casualalcoholic

Chris Davidson has written an article for Bitmob sober. 

No one at Bitmob can outdrink Chris Davidson.


Dan “Shoe” Hsu — @bitmobshoe

All the #bitmobfacts coming out are hilarious…but some of that is top, top secret! Shhh….


As you can see, we got some good stuff! Is it all true? That is for us to know — and you to find out!