Editor's note: Role-playing-game heroes are desperate, socially awkward people. Check out Chris' humorous look at why. -James
Why does Crono have to save the world? Is he really the only one capable of slaying the almighty Lavos? I seriously doubt it — plenty of other people could do it. So why then? The answer is simpler than you might think: He needed an excuse to make more friends.
Crono's only friend is an ugly nerd named Lucca who builds robots, and I'm sure he realized at some point that in a town with about 20 people, he was most likely doomed to end up marrying the only girl near his age. Then, during a trip to the Millennial Fair, a beautiful princess falls in his lap. Only moments later, a blue time portal sucks her in, and Crono begins his quest to save the world. I don't blame Crono — beautiful girls can pretty much make me do anything, too. His first quest kicks off as he jumps through the portal to rescue the princess. Apparently, Crono is desperate enough to travel back a few hundred years just to get laid.
I could save her…but on second thought, I think I'd rather grab a beer.
Crono could have ignored the whole time-traveling thing and gone back to playing carnival games (no, not the Wii title). I still don't see why he went to the trouble of chasing this blonde chick down and defeating the strongest entity in all of time just to prove he was tough. It would have been a lot easier to shrug it off and try the tavern a town over. I checked it out, and plenty of good-looking girls live there. I guarantee you it's easier to buy a lady a couple drinks than it is to eliminate the greatest threat mankind has ever known.
Crono's not the only one that chases companionship despite all peril; almost every classic RPG hero goes through the motions of recruiting a bunch of friends to help save the world. It's my firm belief that these characters should learn to make friends without the social crutch of "saving the world." Hell, they should make that into a game. Travel the world and make eight friends; once you do, you win. Congratulations, you are no longer a creepy, mute hermit, and your life doesn't suck!
Once you assemble the cast, maybe they can still choose to go save the world, but maybe they could go play mini-golf instead. Saving the world is kind of hard, and I'd rather not have people forcing me to do it all the time. One thing I've learned is that if you wait long enough to do something, someone else will probably do it for you. Unfortunately, I live in a house of like-minded people, so we haven't had toilet paper for the last three weeks. Buying a new roll of toilet paper isn't exactly the same as saving the world, but you get the point.
Why are these characters so alone in the first place? I'm sure looking like an effeminate social outcast and carrying a stick sword around everywhere doesn't help. Who'd want to hang out with that kid? Oddly enough, it seems to work every time. People shouldn't reinforce this kind of behavior with positive results!
Out of frustration, I went out under the guise of saving the world to prove it doesn't make people like you any better, but unfortunately, I accidentally joined Greenpeace, and now I'm stuck with a bunch of hippies for friends. At first I thought it wouldn't be all that bad, but these guys are nothing like Captain Planet and the Planeteers. All they do is smoke weed and bitch about health care.
I don't think I'll be playing another RPG for awhile.
I'm a comedian, writer, electrical engineer, and all around awesome person! Follow me on http://twitter.com/CasualAlcoholic