I’ve been a member of the Xbox LIVE service for 5 years now and 90% of it has been perfect. Playing with friends, screaming profanities at each other, and cursing the hell out of that guy who decides to make fun of us for no reason.  It’s fun and definitely worth the $50(soon to be $60) a year.

Now, I’m sure you noticed I only said 90% of my Xbox LIVE service has been enjoyable. The 10% was filled with some less than enjoyable people. Yes, we did end up silencing them in verbal combat but some of these gamers always have this need to try and start some sort of problem. It’s usually That Guy who loves anonymity and decides to run their mouth. Through my experiences there are a select few behavioral patterns that appear and I’m going to take some time to list them. Odds are, you’ve already met some of these people.

First, we’ll start off with the guy who likes to smoke weed. I have nothing against those who like partake in the sacred puff, puff, and pass rituals. You don’t need to tell me about it though, and you definitely don’t have to tell me 13 different times.

I know people who smoke weed, marijuana, pot, cannibis(whatever you want to call it) and they do not talk about it like they’re special. Playing games with them online, whilst high, does not alter the gaming experience that greatly. The ones who like to talk are giving into the zeitgeist of what it is like when you smoke weed.

  • You are neither Cheech nor Chong.
  • Half-Baked was not based on your life.
  • You DO NOT know Afro Man 

The next guy I’m going to detail is the 14 year old racist. You know the one who calls everyone………………wait for it……………the "N Word" as if he’s trying to bring it back. Whether you’re actually African American(like yours truly), Caucasian, Asian it doesn’t matter. You’re going to be called the N Word. Anonymity is great for kids like that. No one can hurt them  and they can be free to scream racial slurs all day, at least until their parents get home that is.

While we’re on the topic of racism, there’s also that guy in Call of Duty: Black Ops who likes to have the infamous Nazi Swastika logo on their gamer cards. So every time this guy kills you, you’ll see the logo. Every time he calls in a killstreak, gets a multikill, or plants the bomb, you’ll see the logo. Thankfully Microsoft is banning those who have the swastika as their logo. And Mr. Swastika Call of Duty player, don’t try and say it’s the Native American sign for good luck. We all know those were not your intentions.

The next guy I’m going to reference actually isn’t a guy at all. Yes, that does mean this bit will be about the female gamer. Most are usually nice or don’t even have their headsets on due to inevitable harassment. There are those who actually are not nice at all, especially if they’re on a team who beats you. If you ever end up losing to a girl, she could very possibly say “So other team, what’s it feel like losing to a girl?”

Here’s a conversation I had with a girl who beat my team(even though she played horribly):

Her: Hey Hurmun, what’s it feel like to lose to a girl?

Me: Ummm….normal?

Her: So you lose to girls often I see.

Me: Oh my God…

Her: *annoying snicker*

Me:How does it feel to sound like the worlds ugliest guy?

Her: But I’m not a guy, I’m a girl idiot.

Me: Bulls***!

Her: You’re an Ass****!

I muted her shortly after that. It’s rare to encounter this, but once it does happen to you, it’s worse than the others I’ve described.

It’s getting fairly late and I’m going to try and end on one of the most annoyingplayers. The “Im better than all of you” guy. The one person in the game who does all of the competitive gaming tournaments, watches Youtube videos of other professional gamers, and practices strategies in private matches. If you do all of that, more power to you. I’ve done competitive gaming before and it just makes you well rounded in all games, but I never criticized someone like this guy does.

You don’t follow his orders, he’ll call you bad. If he gets killed, he’ll blame the non existent lag. If you both die together, he’ll say you should killed that guy. There’s an excuse for everything but it never occurs to him that he may just not be as good as he thinks. At the end of the game, he’ll look at all the kill to death ratios and blame everyone for his loss. Alternatively, if he wins, he’ll brag about his and call the other team bad. Even if he only wins by one, he’s the best on the planet in his mind.

Well, there you have it. Those are the primary gamers you’ll experience online. I have a short list below of others who could likely get on your nerves. Remember guys, you can talk crap back to these guys if you like that sort of thing, or you can just mute them. It’s up to you.

Honorable Mentions:

  • Buzzing headset guy
  • Screaming for no reason when he joins the lobby guy
  • Guy who insults everyone just because
  • These guys are cheating guy
  • I’ll challenge you one on one guy