From Software Announce Dark Souls Patch
Note: This story is a parody for the latest Bitmob Writing Challenge.
Ever since I was a young boy
I've played the silver ball
From Darkroot down to Blighttown
I must have played them all
But I ain't seen nothing like him
In any undead hall
That armour-clad cleric
Sure plays a mean pinball
Dark Souls' documented difficulty has assured players of a less masochistic will run screaming from its path. The game is certainly not for everyone. It has a punishing nature that you either can, or you cannot handle. Most cannot.
From Software is about to change all that. Dark Souls is about to broaden its demographic, relinquish its oppressive grasp on the collective throats of gamers worldwide, stop strangling us, and start tickling us. And it's about time too.
Currently the only break from the tyrannous difficulty of Dark Souls' dungeon arenas is that distant celestial glow of the bonfire. As you approach, the fire kicks up embers that are caught by the breeze and blown across your path. It's at this moment you know, for the immediate future, you are safe.
But you know that before long you will be back at the bonfire, having respawned and having lost all your humanity and souls. You are dead. Again.
This perpetual feeling of dread must be overcome. It must be distilled in favour of high spirits and light relief. Dark Souls needs a fireside activity to pry the player's mind from the imminent evisceration facing them all. Dark Souls needs an amusement arcade game to introduce some much needed colour to a cold and dank world. Dark Souls needs – Undead Pinball.
From Software's Pinball Wizard [read: Sorcerer] update will patch the game, introducing a pinball machine at every bonfire location. This way players can level up, repair their equipment and engage in a pleasing mini-game gamble.
Pinball is soul-operated. Players pay a premium soul price to play and if they achieve the high score, they're rewarded with souls and shards. The machine is equipped with all the digital additions one would expect – bumpers, flippers, plungers, kickers and spinners. The bright, digitalised nature of the machine is the perfect compliment to Dark Souls' colourless, medieval aesthetic.
At the public's request From Software have also included Sixaxis motion control in the game, allowing players to manipulate the direction of their ball by tilting the controller and consequently the pinball machine. But be careful, tilt too much and you'll set off the alarm, summoning the flipper-bladed Pinball Phantom, now the strongest enemy in the game.
Whenever the player approaches the pinball machine the ominous score will be broken by merry arcade sounds serving as a reminder that we were once children, that we were once human, before Dark Souls chewed open our throats and sucked the humanity from our gaping neckholes.
When the game is beaten and the high-score achieved, instead of a bell tolling to signify a player's accomplishments, players are treated to the clang of Pete Townshend's guitar as The Who's Pinball Wizard is blasted throughout the Kingdom.
From Software hope that thousands of casual gamers will rush out to pick up the game in the knowledge that rather than hearing nothing but the scraping of enemy blades against the fragile metal of their helm, they can listen to the wails of Roger Daltry; that their perpetual punishment can be frequently broken by the world's greatest arcade game; that every play of Dark Souls no longer has to conclude with quiet sobbing a dark corner of your room.
Experts expect a huge spike in sales figures as casual gamers and grandmas the world over embrace their pinball wizardry in preparation for the release of the Pinball Wizard patch on 11/11/11.
He's a pinball wizard
There has to be a twist
A pinball wizard
He's got such a supple wrist