In the real world, stabbing someone doesn't end well. In Call of Duty Elite, stabbing someone wins you a trip to Paris. Excuse me while I comfort my whimpering sanity.
• Just like that girlfriend you spurned for video games, Call of Duty Elite will always be watching. Waiting. I'd be more impressed with Elite's sternly delivered tagline of "You will play together better" if it didn't sound like something a day care teacher would say.
Continue after the break for the most gorgeously edited Serious Sam 3: BFE trailer ever, a cautious jaunt through the dungeons of Legend of Grimrock, and a trio of downloadable songs for Rocksmith.
• Devolver Digital Chief Financial Officer Fork Parker demonstrates his expertise with image layering and the "72" font size in this Serious Sam 3: BFE trailer. Also, his Twitter account describes his hobbies as "the art of finance and making love to his wife." I'm liking this man already.
• Legend of Grimrock's fundamental dungeon crawling experience offers loot, puzzles, and plenty of stutter stepping. Where's the trapdoor that sends me back to Skyrim?
• I'm relieved I steeled myself for this Rocksmith downloadable content trailer after catching the ESRB's warning for "Mild Cartoon Violence." Yes, those colorful note blocks really get hammered. Someone think of the children!