Mortal Kombat II

Shao Khan was defeated, Earth Realm was saved, and Bill Clinton was getting “special service” in the Oval Office. It was 1993, and the colorful cast of Mortal Kombat II was unemployed. What happened? Did they go on food stamps? Beg for loose change? Or, god forbid, get a real job?


Sub-Zero discovered that lobbing giant blue balls at people isn’t a marketable skill. So he ventured into the burger-flippin’ world of McMinimum wage. The Lin Kuei assassin made a smooth transition from ripping out spines to cleaning up grease and supersizing your value meals. And speaking of blue balls…


Mileena tried her hand at stripping, modeling, and a stint on The View. But none of them could satisfy her insatiable desire for carnage and human flesh. She got all that and more as Donald Trump’s co-host on The Apprentice. You don’t wanna be fired. Trust us.

Shang Tsung

Shang Tsung pursued his lifelong dream of becoming a hoarder. Then he discovered that hoarding wasn’t a real job, and he became a fortune teller.


Jax came out of the closet in ’94. He marketed his own line of crotchless jeans and married his life partner, Johnny Cage, in a private ceremony in Poughkeepsie. The bodybuilder splits his time between South Beach and a cottage in upstate New York. In 2012, he’ll star in the Broadway revival of Annie.


Scorpion tried out for the Los Angeles Dodgers, but the club’s offer of five tacos and a Dodger Dog couldn’t entice the ninja hellspawn from giving up his lucrative career of panhandling. Then the Phillies matched L.A.’s offer and upped it by a burrito, and Scorpion has been on easy street ever since.

Kung Lao and Liu Kang.

Liu Kang and Kung Lao did what any self-respecting Shao Lin monks would do after saving the world: open a magic-themed variety show in Las Vegas. Their eclectic mix of Libertarian politics, social commentary, and humor won them millions of new fans and a series on Showtime.


Raiden, whose real name is David Goldberg, joined the litigation wing of the Anti-Defamation League and successfully prosecuted war crimes charges against Mel Gibson.


Kitana joined the National Organization for Women and started an online campaign to recognize and combat the rampant sexual harassment in organized death tournaments. Mai Shiranui, Cammy, Morrigan, and Mileena all stepped forward to share their stories.

Johnny Cage

Johnny Cage’s obsession with punching other dudes’ junk concealed an embarrassing personal problem: an inability to get it up. He became a natural spokesperson (and client) for Viagra’s new celebrity outreach campaign. Jax has never been happier.


Reptile ate some hobo’s head and died of dysentery. Scientists dissected his body and, by extrapolating the genomes found in his unique anatomy, discovered that he was actually a palate-swap ninja with three shitty moves.


Baraka got his own cooking show on the Food Network, but after five decapitations and the mysterious disappearance of Emeril Lagasse, the FCC took “Slicin’ and Dicin’ with Baraka” off the air.

Written by Jason Lomberg. Illustrated by Samir Torres.