Recently, I wrote what would happen if the crazy-bad copy writers at Walmart.com described some of 2012’s most anticipated games the same way they mucked up Diablo III’s product description. It should come as no surprise that the Diablo III write-up was not an isolated incident; Walmart didn’t become the biggest retail company in the world by spending a lot of money on things like writers, editors, or research, and the games section of its website is full of comedy gold. To save you some trouble, I’ve mined it (or maybe I’m milking it at this point, but I don’t want to mix my metaphors) and pulled out some truly perplexing summaries.
These pages were current as of May 12.
Mass Effect 3
Choice bit: “In it players continue the adventures of Commander Shepard utilizing extreme character customization which is the hallmark feature of the series.”
Puss in Boots
Choice bit: “With the Puss in Boots Ds Game, you can turn into ‘Puss in Boots’, the legendary hero of the movie form DreamWorks Animation.”
Choice bit: “The games present a world in 3D: a series of tombs, and other locations, through which the player must guide Lara.”
The Last Guardian
Choice bit: Granted, nobody knows a whole lot about this game, yet. The writing is actually okay in this one (I’ve seen it other places, so Sony must have sent it to them), but it’s hilarious that they repeat the same two sentences as a bulleted list like they’re game features.
Choice bit: “With the explosive adventure and interactive environments, the single-player campaign is played in a unique online multiplayer mode.”
Assassin’s Creed: Revelations
Choice bit: “The PC video game lets you (Ezio) tap into enhanced abilities and weapons like free-running, hook blade combat, bomb crafting and Eagle Sense to eliminate enemies.”
Metroid: Other M
Choice bit: “It also features exciting play options, like pointer and sideways Wii remote controller preference, stunning in-game cinematic and a mix of Metroid action and puzzle-solving game play.”
Sniper Elite V2
Choice bit: “There is only a single opportunity for players to do what so many wish had been done take out the leader of the Third Reich.”
Fallout 3: Game of the Year Edition
Choice bit: “The Fallout 3: Game of the Year Xbox 360 is a well-crafted, role-playing videogame, which doesn’t require players to have played any of the previous Fallout games to enjoy this one.”