Aliens are real. Well, to clarify, Area 51 is real. After years of government denials and conspiracy theories, the CIA has officially acknowledged that this top secret facility in central Nevada exists. Unfortunately for paranormal enthusiasts and those of us who believe in aliens, the newly released documents say absolutely nothing about UFOs or extraterrestrials. Clearly, this is a CIA cover-up to cover-up the cover-up. Clearly.

According to these documents (if you can believe them), Area 51 was part of the U-2 and A-12 OXCART reconnaissance programs. The CIA gave military contractor Lockheed secret funds to build U-2 spy planes. The U-2 and other “clandestine aircraft” were tested in Area 51.

Area 51 has been shrouded in secrecy for decades, which is part of what fueled the speculation surrounding it. These new revelations about Area 51’s actual purpose make the government’s tightlippedness seem rather excessive. At the time, the reticence was likely motivated by the desire to maintain high levels of security surrounding defense operations (it was the Cold War, after all), but the continued silence just led rational people to one indubitable conclusion — aliens.

To be fair, large quantities of evidence exist to support this conclusion. A flying saucer crashed near Roswell, New Mexico less than 70 years ago and experts on the matter allege alien autopsies were carried out there. History contains hundreds of alleged UFO sightings, and who knows how many more go untold? We know from the Men In Black movies that secret agents are prone to erasing our memories after we witness extraterrestrials, in an effort to keep their existence under wraps.

I, for one, am undeterred by the declassified documents. They are probably just a shield for more classified documents that talk about aliens and the widespread conspiracy to hide this information from the world.

The documents were released in response to a Freedom of Information Act request submitted by Jeffrey Richelson, a senior fellow at the National Security Archives. If you’d care to read the documents, click here, but I warn you. they are far less entertaining than Independence Day.