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The new Rambo game is like the “after” shot in one of those “this is what happens when you smoke meth” posters. This might sound harsh, but you should know that developer Teyon drew first blood.

Rambo: The Video Game is an action shooter that stars the titular veteran in what looks like an adaptation of the events of the 1982 film First Blood, although it also has scenes in a desert and a jungle, so maybe it spans the entire catalog of Rambo films. Teyon — best “known” for games like Governor of Poker and Paranormal State: Poison Spring — is producing this for Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, and PC.

The game looks … bad. The graphics are muddy, and Rambo has the bone structure of a melting snowman. Check out the trailer and see for yourself:

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One other thing: Why in the hell is Stallone so slimy in this game? Not in terms of his moral behavior — although killing thousands of people instead of running away is ethically gray — but in terms of his body looking like he sleeps in a vat of STP motor oil. Maybe the game explains that … like maybe Rambo has something wrong with his glands that makes him sweat garlic butter. In that case, why is everyone chasing him to kill him? He obviously only has hours to live.

The other possibility is that the main character is actually Groundskeeper Willy and not Rambo at all:

We’ve reached out to Sylvester Stallone to ask what he did wrong to developer Teyon. We’ll update this story with any new information.

 

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