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“You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is, ‘Never get involved in a land war in Asia.'”

Heed the words of Vizzini, mortals!

A secondary nonblunder, according to the news of the day, is: “Always get involved in e-commerce in Asia.” Collectively, Asian e-commerce deals rang up an Obama-not-bad-face total of $610 million today.

[Nevertheless, we would still never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line — cue malevolent cackling followed by a soft thud.]

Alibaba pumps $360M into Haier

Alibaba Group Holding Ltd. will invest 2.82 billion Hong Kong dollars ($364 million in U.S. currency) in Chinese appliances maker Haier Electronics Group. The deal will solidify the companies’ relationship and intentions to create a logistics joint venture. The proposed logistics and service network is planned to span China and will deliver and assemble household appliances and other large items. Read the full story on the Wall Street Journal.

Lazada gets $250M

“Super-incubator” Rocket Internet has directed more than half a billion dollars into Southeast Asian e-commerce in just over six months. Today its “Amazon of Asia” clone Lazada announced raising a massive $250 million in funding. This closely follows Lazada’s $100 million round from earlier this year and brings its total capital raised to $436 million. All this money is intended to cement Lazada’s position as the dominant online retailer in Southeast Asia. Read the full story on VentureBeat.

Flipboard gets its $50M

Flipboard is now one of the best-funded news-aggregating digital magazine services with $160 million raised to date and an $800 million valuation. The company’s service currently competes with a handful of competitors, including Zite, Pulse News, News360, and more. But one thing Flipboard does have that others trail behind is traction. Flipboard currently has 85 million monthly readers, and it recently launched a new catalog feature. Read the full story on VentureBeat.

Opscode takes $32M

Another enterprise-focused technology company is following BlackBerry in changing its name to refer to its core product. Opscode is rebranding itself Chef, and it’s taking on $32 million in new funding along the way. Chef’s open-source and commercially supported technology enables companies to manage and automate loads of hardware they depend on to deploy applications. It’s among the most popular tools for the practice of devops, which marries application development with operations to deploy code. Read the full story on VentureBeat.

ObserveIT gets $20M

ObserveIT lets you know who did what, when. The startup compares its software to security cameras, watching everyone who accesses your servers. For enterprises like Samsung, Xerox, and T-Mobile, which place a high priority on security and compliance, that’s a valuable proposition. Those three companies are all customers of ObserveIT, which today announced a $20 million investment from Bain Capital Ventures. The Tel Aviv, Israel-based firm will use the funds to establish a U.S. headquarters and expand its sales and marketing efforts. Read the full story on VentureBeat.

PracticeFusion stacks on another $15M

Practice Fusion, a health care technology startup, has closed another $15 million in funding, the company announced today. Practice Fusion is well known for its free web-based electronic medical records (EMR) as well as its recently launched consumer website called Patient Fusion. The new funding is actually an extension to the $70 million round of funding Practice Fusion raised back in September, making the total investment $85 million. The extension was led by Qualcomm Ventures, which makes sense given the influx of mobile devices being used both by doctors and patients in relation to health care. Read the full story on VentureBeat.

Sckipio secured $10M

Sckipio Technologies is coming out of stealth mode today to announce it has raised $10 million in a new round of funding to create chips that will deliver faster broadband to the world over standard phone lines. Funding for this kind of chip company is increasingly rare, as it has become harder and harder to bring semiconductor chips to the market without spending tons of money. Read the full story on VentureBeat.

Fileblaze gets a $450K debt round

In an SEC filing today, we learned that file-transfer startup Fileblaze is in the process of raising just under half a million in debt funding. So far, it’s secured $75,000. The startup focuses on sharing and publishing files with an emphasis on security. Files can be streamed instantly, and users can choose to disable downloading. Files can also be password-protected. We’re looking forward to hearing more from this outfit as it grows.

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