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For Devolver Digital’s non-existent chief financial officer, the holidays reign as the most glorious time of the year.

Devolver “CFO” Fork Parker is a fixture in the company’s tongue-in-cheek blog posts and press releases about its games. He’s a curmudgeon with questionable morals, the half-drunk uncle you’re not sure whether you want to invite over for holiday dinner, and we suspect he spends his spare time prank calling billionaire buddy Donald Trump about his superior gold-plated Rococo furniture collection.

Sample previous “quotes” Devolver reps have written for Parker:

  • “All the kids want free-to-play games these days so how about this — purchase Downwell for $2.99 and then go steal $2.99 from your mom’s purse, and boom, free-to-play. Grab me a couple bucks, too, while you’re at it.”
  • “It has nine-player co-op, so you nerds better make about eight more friends than you have now. That’s what the kids call a ‘sick burn.'”
  • “These so-called industry experts will tell you that the ‘mute clown point-and-click adventure’ genre is dead but our research shows that this thinking couldn’t be further from the truth. Also, the game has zero text so we’re saving millions on localization costs.”

So when we at GamesBeat decided to do a heartwarming holiday games interview, we knew just who to call. Well, email. Apparently imaginary people are very difficult to get on the phone.

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Fork Parker

Above: After years of sending us pictures that look suspiciously like Fabio when we asked for Fork Parker, Devolver sent us this “updated” headshot, in which Parker appears to be listening. Way to make it even more unbelievable, guys.

Image Credit: Devolver Digital

GamesBeat: Do you like the holidays? Why or why not?

Fork Parker: The holidays are absolutely fantastic because people buy video games with reckless abandon, sometimes with no intention of playing them at all just because it’s a deal, just like baby Jesus used to do. All these velvet-covered jet skis and gold-plated Segways don’t pay for themselves, so I’m all for holiday excess.

GamesBeat: What game do you wish people would quit playing this holiday season and why?

Parker: If you start up a game and you don’t see a splash screen that notes it was published by Devolver Digital, then I prefer you not play it. These so-called non-Devolver Digital games might be entertaining, but in the end, their purchase doesn’t help me achieve my goal of vast wealth.

GamesBeat: Do you shop on Black Friday, and if so, what do you buy?

Parker: I’ve become wealthy and irresponsible enough to not care about deals like the rest of you poor people. Billionaires such as myself actually have our assistants make all our purchases at full price on Platinum Thursday, the day before Black Friday. Don’t tell anyone I told you about that; it’s supposed to be a rich-person secret.

GamesBeat: Who’s your favorite video game villain and why?

Parker: Kirby is easily my favorite video game villain because of his unwavering commitment to taking anything that he wants and using whatever he can find for his own personal gain. This philosophical stance that “greed is good” takes real courage in a modern world that has gone soft, and I applaud that pink little blob for taking whatever he wants with no apologies.

Uh oh, he's got the angry eyes!

Above: Kirby, master of evil.

Image Credit: Nintendo

GamesBeat: What’s your favorite video game weapon and why?

Parker: I’ve always been fond of banana peels from Mario Kart and keep a bag of them in my fleet of limousines. When I’m feeling a bit down, nothing lifts my spirits more than tossing one out the window and watching an 18-wheeler spin out of control and into oncoming traffic. It’s one of life’s small joys.

GamesBeat: Are you a cat person or a dog person?

Parker: Cat person. Dogs are freeloading wastes of space that feign affection and exploit the emotional instability of weak minded individuals.

GamesBeat: How high were you when you first played Hotline Miami?

Parker: Interestingly, I was sober as can be when I first played Hotline Miami and found the visuals, music, and intense gameplay intoxicating. I loved the feeling Hotline Miami gave me so much that I eventually took a boxed copy of the game, chopped it into a fine powder, and snorted it off my keyboard.