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For Devolver Digital’s non-existent chief financial officer, the holidays reign as the most glorious time of the year.

Devolver “CFO” Fork Parker is a fixture in the company’s tongue-in-cheek blog posts and press releases about its games. He’s a curmudgeon with questionable morals, the half-drunk uncle you’re not sure whether you want to invite over for holiday dinner, and we suspect he spends his spare time prank calling billionaire buddy Donald Trump about his superior gold-plated Rococo furniture collection.

Sample previous “quotes” Devolver reps have written for Parker:

  • “All the kids want free-to-play games these days so how about this — purchase Downwell for $2.99 and then go steal $2.99 from your mom’s purse, and boom, free-to-play. Grab me a couple bucks, too, while you’re at it.”
  • “It has nine-player co-op, so you nerds better make about eight more friends than you have now. That’s what the kids call a ‘sick burn.'”
  • “These so-called industry experts will tell you that the ‘mute clown point-and-click adventure’ genre is dead but our research shows that this thinking couldn’t be further from the truth. Also, the game has zero text so we’re saving millions on localization costs.”

So when we at GamesBeat decided to do a heartwarming holiday games interview, we knew just who to call. Well, email. Apparently imaginary people are very difficult to get on the phone.

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Fork Parker

Above: After years of sending us pictures that look suspiciously like Fabio when we asked for Fork Parker, Devolver sent us this “updated” headshot, in which Parker appears to be listening. Way to make it even more unbelievable, guys.

Image Credit: Devolver Digital

GamesBeat: Do you like the holidays? Why or why not?

Fork Parker: The holidays are absolutely fantastic because people buy video games with reckless abandon, sometimes with no intention of playing them at all just because it’s a deal, just like baby Jesus used to do. All these velvet-covered jet skis and gold-plated Segways don’t pay for themselves, so I’m all for holiday excess.

GamesBeat: What game do you wish people would quit playing this holiday season and why?

Parker: If you start up a game and you don’t see a splash screen that notes it was published by Devolver Digital, then I prefer you not play it. These so-called non-Devolver Digital games might be entertaining, but in the end, their purchase doesn’t help me achieve my goal of vast wealth.

GamesBeat: Do you shop on Black Friday, and if so, what do you buy?

Parker: I’ve become wealthy and irresponsible enough to not care about deals like the rest of you poor people. Billionaires such as myself actually have our assistants make all our purchases at full price on Platinum Thursday, the day before Black Friday. Don’t tell anyone I told you about that; it’s supposed to be a rich-person secret.

GamesBeat: Who’s your favorite video game villain and why?

Parker: Kirby is easily my favorite video game villain because of his unwavering commitment to taking anything that he wants and using whatever he can find for his own personal gain. This philosophical stance that “greed is good” takes real courage in a modern world that has gone soft, and I applaud that pink little blob for taking whatever he wants with no apologies.

Uh oh, he's got the angry eyes!

Above: Kirby, master of evil.

Image Credit: Nintendo

GamesBeat: What’s your favorite video game weapon and why?

Parker: I’ve always been fond of banana peels from Mario Kart and keep a bag of them in my fleet of limousines. When I’m feeling a bit down, nothing lifts my spirits more than tossing one out the window and watching an 18-wheeler spin out of control and into oncoming traffic. It’s one of life’s small joys.

GamesBeat: Are you a cat person or a dog person?

Parker: Cat person. Dogs are freeloading wastes of space that feign affection and exploit the emotional instability of weak minded individuals.

GamesBeat: How high were you when you first played Hotline Miami?

Parker: Interestingly, I was sober as can be when I first played Hotline Miami and found the visuals, music, and intense gameplay intoxicating. I loved the feeling Hotline Miami gave me so much that I eventually took a boxed copy of the game, chopped it into a fine powder, and snorted it off my keyboard.

GamesBeat: How did you get so rich?

Parker: I’ve made my fortune on the back of hapless developers by exploiting their creativity and hard work. I also invested heavily in animated GIF and meme generation tech, which paid off in spades.

GamesBeat: Why do you work in game development?

Parker: A collection of white-collar crimes and pending felonies prevent me from running for public office, so game publishing is the next best thing.

GamesBeat: You’re taking pitches for indie games right now. What’s the craziest you’ve seen so far?

Parker: The sheer amount of game pitches that land in our inbox is unbelievable, and the creativity in these pitches is absolutely incredible. This month alone we’ve received pitches for a game about anthropomorphic billiards balls battling it out on a pool table, a game controlling thousands of drones at once in epic space battles, and, of course, the requisite collection of Hotline Miami clones.

GamesBeat: Is Colonel Sanders your archenemy? Or are you buddies?

Parker: That chicken choker is a hack and doesn’t have a dime to his name — spent everything he had on booze and Korean MMO [role-playing game] armor. Truth be told, he’s not even a colonel. Yep, that’s an honorary title bestowed upon him by some county in northern Kentucky — Chuck Sanders has never spent a day of his life in the military.

GamesBeat: What have you done with your Serious Sam money?

Parker: Nachos and champagne are two of my biggest vices so let’s just leave it at that.

Serious Sam Double D XXL

Above: Serious Sam’s femikazes deliver nachos.

Image Credit: Steam

GamesBeat: Why haven’t we seen you at the Electronic Entertainment Expo?

Parker: I spend most E3 in my room at the Figueroa speedrunning Ducktales on the NES and making love to my smoking hot wife. Don’t roll your eyes, you asked.

GamesBeat: If you were to livestream a game that wasn’t Serious Sam, what would you pick?

Parker: I’d love to stream that Shower With Your Dad game just to make everyone uncomfortable.

GamesBeat: Gun control — What’s your stance?

Parker: Gun control is an important issue in my eyes and I’m more of an inverted axis man dating all the way back to Goldeneye on the N64. It just feels better and gives you more control, like unprotected sex.

GamesBeat: Shooting naked bird ladies is so not politically correct. Have you evolved with the times?

Parker: No. No, I have not.

GamesBeat: Describe a time when you and the rest of Devolver’s leadership disagreed on an issue, and how it turned out.

Parker: Over the past 18 months there has been a quiet struggle between me and the rest of the Devolver Digital team about charging for each new bro added to Broforce. It’s my belief that if users want more fun in Broforce they should have to pay for it as our dark lord capitalism demands but my team and the developer Free Lives disagreed. It’s money left on the expensive mahogany table as far as I’m concerned.

Can you pick out the 10 action heroes from their Broforce mugshots? There's no prize.

Above: Broforce bros, brought to you free by someone other than Fork Parker.

Image Credit: Dan Crawley

GamesBeat: What’s on your wish list this holiday season?

Parker: Drones and expensive scotch.

GamesBeat: How old are you?

Parker: Old enough to be your dad.

GamesBeat: Why did your parents name you “Fork?”

Parker: It’s a family name dating back to my great-grandfather who published card games with pictures of naked ladies on the back of the playing cards. God rest his soul.

GamesBeat: What do you think will be the biggest video game trend of 2016?

Parker: The biggest video game trend of 2016 will be fantastic, immersive VR games made for the two dozen people who play VR games.

GamesBeat: Anything else you’re dying to tell us that we didn’t ask?

Parker: I’ve never played an Assassin’s Creed game and Jurassic World sucked.

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