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God of War is Sony’s latest blockbuster release for the PlayStation 4. It is getting praise from critics for its combat, characters, and writing. It is also gorgeous, but how does it stack up to Super Mario Odyssey? We’re about to find out in the the only technical analysis that matters.
On paper, here’s how the two games break down. God of War runs at 1080p and 60 frames per second on the PlayStation 4 Pro’s performance mode. You can scale that up to 4K if you are willing to put up with something closer to 30 frames per second. Super Mario Odyssey maxes out at 1080p and 60 frames per second, but you can play it in 720p60 in Switch’s handheld mode.
But while those are the basic specs, let’s get into the real showdown.
The nipple test
As graphics school (Harvard) teaches us, the only 100 percent fair and accurate way to compare the visual competency of two games is to examine their nipples. That’s tough to do because most games are prudes, but thankfully Kratos and Mario don’t have any such hangups.
In Super Mario Odyssey, Nintendo’s plumber can strip down to his boxer shorts and run across the sandy beaches of Seaside Kingdom with his lactiferous ducts blowing in the wind. It’s a sight to behold.
In God of War, Kratos lives his truth 24/7. He’s a single dad who works hard to stay in shape, and he’s going to flaunt it because he has it.
Time to do science
If you’ve ever seen the beginning of Dead Poet’s Society, the part where the text book gives the students a chart to measure the greatness of poem, you should understand how the nipple method works in gaming. On one axis, we are judging the realism of the nipple. On the other axis, we want to determine the importance and meaning of the nipple.
This scientific process always starts with this image of an anonymous American film actor’s nipples as a point of reference. These are the exact average nipples from an aesthetic perspective.
We will compare Kratos’s and Mario’s chest zones to this reference image to understand both their dedication to realism and whether God of War and Super Mario Odyssey are serious games that are willing to say something.
Let’s do this.
Here are the nipples of Nintendo’s beloved mascot:
Already, I have some questions. Mario seems to have fully formed areolas, but they don’t seem to have the … nubbin? I’m not going to look up what the pencil-eraser part of the nipple is called because I’m sure I’m already on some kind of list after how many times I’ve put “nipple” into Thesaurus.com today.
Obviously, Super Mario Odyssey is not concerned with accurately representing the nipple in its full glory, so we have determine what they mean instead. When I look deep into the nipples (and let the nipples look deep into me), I begin to understand what Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto was trying to say when he painstakingly drew each one of those teats.
You see, Mario is too pure for this world. He is like a baby, and his nipples reflect that. Mario has baby nipples. That’s very important, and I am ready to render a score.
Mario nipple score: 3/5
Here are the angriest nipples ever:
Just looking at Kratos’s nipples, you can sense the dozens of hours of labor that went into bringing them to life. The areola is marked with goosebumps, and you almost feel like you need to dodge out of the way of the inevitable jetstream of milk that will burst forth from the mammary ducts.
But Sony Santa Monica embraced realism for a purpose — this is one meaningful nipple. In God of War, Kratos is a sad dad, and we can see that in the image above. His nipples nests in a wisp of white chest hair that reveal the stresses and strain of raising a young boy all on his own. Some of the tissue also looks worn out and scared, which is a monument to his violent past.
Kratos is like the Dennis Quaid of gods.
Nipple score: 4.5/5
This is another big win for Sony and PlayStation 4. Kratos’s nipple is too real and powerful for Mario. That doesn’t mean Nintendo didn’t bring the heat. It has some of the best nipples around, but Sony Santa Monica is just on another level.
I will be sending Shawn Layden the trophy to add to the shelf in Sony Interactive Entertainment headquarters as soon as the restraining order expires.
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