This post has not been edited by the GamesBeat staff. Opinions by GamesBeat community writers do not necessarily reflect those of the staff.


Editor’s note: This may be the most surreal article I’ve edited for the site…but Nick’s evidence has me convinced. Killer microwaves are everywhere, and the robot threat must be thwarted! If you’d like to know how to save humanity, check out Nick’s sage advice. Make sure to pay special attention to item number two. -James


It’s inevitable. Robots will attack.

robot!

I know this because I am writing this from the future….

Seriously though, I am. I’m running on Japan Standard Time.

Do you think your video game console is a savior that rescues you from reality? Pshh, don’t be a fool!

I’ve come to tell you that the machines of the future have sent your PlayStation 3, Xbox, PC, and/or Wii back through time to tenderize you! Your console will kill you!

 

Debilitation!

obesity

We’re soft! Childhood obesity is a serious problem in the United States. Around nine million children are obese or over their target Body Mass Index. Recent studies connect adolescent laziness to media use: TV, movies, and, of course, video games. It’s time to put down the controller and shed some of that weight…before it becomes dead weight.

Isolation!

yay

Remember: Strength in numbers! You say that video games and other technological advances make it easy to socialize. You say that you check your Facebook Feed at least twice a day. Guess what? Photo tagging won’t save you when the robots knock on your door, amigo. Real-life friends will. Walk away from World of Warcraft before it walks over you!

Demoralization!

[video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJVBsUX-zCM 300×300]

Have the robots manipulated a loved one in to hitting you below the belt? Have they struck while you were lying down? The machines know to attack where it hurts: your heart. If they take away your will to fight, what else will you have? All that will be left is a lifeless sack of sobbing skin.

How can we defend ourselves?

fight back

1) Don’t be a stereotype.

Video games are a great and entertaining hobby, with obvious rewards. They also have consequences if carried overboard — like most things. But Bitmob is a great example of how we’re beating the machines with mature and insightful commentary, real-world meet ups, and a shared community. If we defeat the stereotypes of gamers, we win the war. Get up, fight, and contribute!

2) Don’t date crazies.

Just don’t do it.