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“Can't we just, you know, do the actual story?”
I check my gear. Rod, my partner in crime, doesn't bother to check his.
“Fuck no” Rod replies to me. “That shit is lame.”
Rod starts walking down the street, I follow behind at a slow pace. He takes care of the first car rounding the corner. I let him do the work for a moment as he explains his dubious logic on the situation.
“No mid mission checkpoints. Stupid ass storyline. Long as hell.” He spits onto the ground in front of my feet without looking. I step over the spit and fire a few shots as he reloads. “It's a waste of time.”
“And this isn't?” I retort. Taking aim on an easy target. Shot in the back. Not exactly sporting…..well hunting was never really a sport anyway. The deer can't shoot back, so why should people hunting be any more fair?
Rod laughs for a moment, properly re-sideways-ing his visor cap as he looks to me. “Less time wasted overall….besides, theirs an achievement for this.” He then steps on a dead body as he keeps walking. A grandmother by the looks of it. I step over the corpse.
I adjust my sunglasses and tussle my red hair a little as we keep going. People are running in terror from us as the sirens begin to close in. We both look quite different. Mi in a smart business casual ensemble as I fire into the crowd. Him, a desperately ghetto looking white boy with needless corn rows.
In this scene we are night and day. I have enough style to know that when you go on a killing spree it's best to look professional. It makes you seem like you know what you are doing and just don't care rather then like you are showing off.
“This is too easy.” I say as we keep walking, our assault rifles blurting out death as cars crash around us and vague approximations of human beings swarm in a vague approximation of survival instinct and fear. “You want to know why all the people in this game say criminally stupid things whenever you are walking near them? It's not just humor.” I pull the trigger again, a young man in a jersey's head explodes into an over the top blood fountain. “It's to make them harder to sympathize with. That makes them easier to kill.”
“Shit, lady, it's not like we are ending an eventful computer life with computer college and computer babies.” Rod smirks as he tosses a Molotov. A group of defenseless citizens lights on fire and runs screaming. I try to discern a pattern in the mob of flaming death. Every movement these things make seems to have perfect geometry.
“Don't mention babies. Theirs a reason they don't put pregnant women in these games. It unsettles the stomach to think about birthing life while causing death.” I stick out my tongue in mock disgust. Each shot I fire once I switch to my sniper rifle is far too good to me. Why is the concept of a gun so fascinating in fiction when it's so terrible in reality?
“I'd kill a pregnant woman in a game…..” Rod spouts out as he reloads again, the cops are almost here now.
“Fuck no you wouldn't. Even you aren't that cracked.”
“You want cracked? I'd skull fuck her.”
I can't help but start laughing at this. I shouldn't but….skull fucking, honestly. Kids today.
“How does skull fucking even work?” I choke out in between guffaws. “Do you use the mouth, the ear, the eye socket, or just drill a new hole?”
“I'd skull fuck her, then pussy fuck her so hard it would skull fuck the baby.”
I'm nearly rolling on the ground now as the police approach. That's Rod for you, a champion of gender equality. Everyone has a pussy to fuck….in their skull. Oh fuck….I'm going to die. Take me away lord….or him…you know what just go with him.
“Hey!” Rod barks out to get my attention and calm me down. A police car approaches us. Meanwhile Rod pulls a rocket launcher out of his special hammer space. (How do we store all these wonderful toys?) and blows the car up. Two police, extra crispy.
…..Remember when we used to get angry when someone rapped about cop killing? Those were naive times.
I finally stop laughing and we continue to phase 2 of our 3 phase plan. First phase was kill a bunch of people, second phase is run from the cops for five minutes. Third phase is apparently gamerscore……it's something to pass the time.
Me and Rod go our separate ways, having decided before hand to turn the running from the cops portion into a competitive endurance match. He takes one alley in one direction and I take a second direction.
My first plan is to get a car.
The AK spews out an angry blurt of noise as I fire into the air when I rush out the other side of the alley. Sweat drips into one of my eyes and I ignore it for the moment as I run through the crowd, the people rippling out from me as if I was a rock being dropped into a pond.
I see a cab driver fumbling to start his car and drive away. He lifts his hands up and shrinks away from the door in fear as I run up with my rifle pointed right between his eyes.
“Get out of the car!” I yell. The mating call that starts the age old dance of the car jacking.
He hesitates, I don't. Soon his window explodes inward from my rifle butt. I unlock and throw the door open as he tries to figure out if one of the shards went in his eye. I guess yes but I don't care. I pull him halfway out of the car.
“I said get out of the fucking car!” Ah, fucking. Is their anything you can't make make more scary?
He stumbles, wasting more of my precious time. I hear more sirens closing in and I seal the deal the hard way. The full weight of my gun crashes down on his nose with an audible crack.
I don't bother shooting him before I drive off. I'm in a hurry and I was only killing people earlier to get the police attention and fit in with Rod anyway. No sense wasting bullets on anything but bacon.
Jerking the taxi violently through traffic, I plan my next move. The cops are distracted by the 8 levels of hell being raised on the streets by all the people we freaked. They are also spread out across two separate high speed chases. I have some wiggle room to work with. I just have to use it right.
I take a criss crossing path through the city, shrugging off pursuit from handbrake turn to handbrake turn. Subtlety is not on the menu.
I've been lucky so far. Very fucking lucky in a lot of ways. Just like always.
In old science fiction TV shows they say that there are an infinite number of parallel universes. I always took it as meaning that at every single point I am swerving along this road, at every near miss or crazy neck breaking turn, I have died. The fact that I am still alive means that I just happened to not be in that universe where that happened. The point remains, that at any point I am here, logically I should be dead 100 times over.
A universe of failure intersects suddenly. The tail of my car is slammed out from behind me by a skilled police driver and I go into a spin. As the car cartwheels through the air normally a person would be thinking 'oh god I'm going to die.' I was too busy planning my last stand. I crawl out of the car once it skids to a stop on it's roof and set up behind it. SWAT pile out of a truck nearby. I set up a special present and then take out my shotgun.
The SWAT circle around the car from both sides. Where I want to go is on the left. Luckily only one thought to take that side. I place the gun directly into his stomach from my slightly hidden crouching position behind the car.
“You're in my way, sir.” I say as I pull the trigger with a smirk on my face. Automatic weapons fire rings out behind me but I'm already on the move, moving diagonally to keep the car blocking their line of sight from me as I deploy my present.
Rod brought moltovs to the rumble, I brought C4.
The car explodes into a fireball, taking out 3 of the SWAT as I duck down another alley. Two follow after me and I fire back at them with my AK while retreating. Out of my peripheral, something catches my eye. In a flash of blue and white I am hit by a police car running full speed.
“CRAP!” I scream In frustration. Tossing my controller to the ground. “Time?” I ask Rod in the headset.
“3 and a half minutes” Rod replies “What got ya?”
“Goddamn Cop car ran me over.”
“Shit, that's always the way it ends. I got ran over about a minute ago. The driving AI on those things is fucked. Totally cheap….wanna go again?”
I sigh. Trying to decide what I feel like doing. “Eh…”
“Sure, one more time.”
What can I say? It's something to do.
Mi's current mood: Ho hum
Mi is currently listening to:(Warning they say wordy dirds in this song) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GKMvDtZBj4