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Welcome to Eye-Life. Excelsior!
Or something like that.
Over the last couple of weeks (and article posts) I’ve noticed that my number of views certainly isn’t what I wish they were. Sure, I could try and write something so blatantly ridiculous that people would feel compelled to click on the title, or post multiple things at once as a tactic to keep my name on the feed…But, I have morals, damnit! I don’t need silly introductions and crack-pot ideas to draw people in. The quality and sincerity of my writing will carry me through.
Oh, wait…. It won’t? Well, I guess it’s time to outsource the article and get a little assistance.
What kind of assistance? I’m in need of fresh ideas, and it has been brought to my attention that when video games are out of season the characters from said game are left out of work, wandering the cold dark nights until they are called upon again.
I figured I would reach out to the unused game character community and provide some work. After all, times are tough, the economy is shot, and we all need a little help from our friends sometimes (or so The Beatles would leave me to believe).
So, allow me to introduce you to my new friend, Mr. Zurkon from the Ratchet and Clank: Future series! Before we get to him, though… here’s a little video of our new commandant in action for those who might not be initiated.
Squishy human! Mr. Zurkon has no time or patience for such silliness. Let us get to the killing!
Um…Did the temp agency even explain what the job was to you, Mr. Z?
Mr. Zurkon doesn’t read paperwork or check his voicemail; he only reads the obituaries and checks the pulse of his expiring enemies!
Okay…Great. This should be fun, then. Just wanting to clarify here… Do you plan on talking in the third person the entire time?
It’s in Mr. Zurkon’s contract. Ask Zurkon’s union representative for more information.
Oh. Fair enough. Let’s get this over with… Err, I mean, get this show on the road! Our first letter has to deal with concerns over the rise of motion controllers and their prominence. Let us take a look.
Dear Mr. Zurkon,
Am I the only one who seems to think that Microsoft and Sony jumping on this motion control bandwagon to not only be a little bit too late by this point, but also bad for the overall whole of gaming? You certainly know that Sony and Microsoft and going to try and shoehorn Natal/Move into all of their games to a point where the regular, dare I say, GOOD titles are going to be affected by the fact that companies are trying to stick motion controls in everything from Fable to God of War. Aren’t the myriad of bad motion control titles on the Wii sign enough that this kind of crappiness should be left to only one console? What do you think?
Clayton W., Pt. Pleasant, WV
Thanks for the letter, Clayton. Mr. Zurkon, what do you think?
Mr. Zurkon can’t take the squishy human’s complaining and has atomized fuzzier, more annoying humanoids than you for such behavior! Mr. Zurkon suggests that if you do not wish to wave your little fleshy appendages around in front of a screen or swing a fairy wand in the air, then do not give these companies the ridiculous colored paper you use as currency! Failure to cooperate will result in your inevitable, swift death coming even sooner, and by flamethrower! NOW BE GONE!
Hmm. What my metallic, homicidal friend may be trying to say is that if you don’t like it, do not partake. Believe it or not, there is a fairly strong market for this kind of thing, no matter how niche or specific it may be. Like all of the other wacky peripherals that have appeared in the past, Natal and Move will either fade into obscurity so that videogame magazines have something to write about twenty years from now, or the devices will find their success in a way that requires developers to find an effective, and noninvasive way of using the technology.
Thanks again for the letter. Our second correspondence wants an expert opinion on which console is right for her. Let’s go to the letter, shall we?
Mr. Zurkon can hardly contain himself. Ha. Ha. That was Zurkon using puny human sarcasm!
*Sigh*… This was SUCH a good idea.
…Mr. Zurkon does not agree, miserable pen holder.
As of late I have been extremely disappointed with the game selection for the Nintendo Wii. After some thought I’ve decided that I would really prefer one of the other two big console systems. Frankly, I do not know which one would be best. I enjoy a wide variety of games, but I mostly play alone. Any advice would be appreciated.
Kate R., Cincinnati, OH
Thank you for writing in, Kate! So, Mr. Z, what do you think?
Mr. Zurkon has a simple algorithm that even the soft and grey brain matter of this silly primate can comprehend. Which of these entertainment devices has a game where a deadly and handsome synthoid bodyguard named Mr. Zurkon destroys swarms of evil entities while protecting a measly fuzz-ball and his vacuum cleaner sidekick? Zurkon believes he has given you the proper response to your query, human. Now, bother Mr. Zurkon no more, lest he blows so many holes in you with his XPJ-99 laser cannon that the authorities will not be able to identify your fleshy, pink corpse!
Um…If I can interpret my friend's thoughts for just a sec–
MR. ZURKON WILL INTERPRET YOUR COLD BODY ALL OVER THE POLARIS GALAXY!
….I believe what Zurkon means is that you really just need to take a hard look at the type of games you really enjoy and go from there. The lines between the consoles are becoming more and more blurred as console exclusives become more and more of a rarity. If you enjoy playing online and want more of a pure gaming system I would go with the 360. If you want a system that does a bit of everything and has a solid and wide variety of good titles I would say Playstation 3. Really, the choice is all about what you like.
Thanks for your letter, Kate. Hopefully we could…uh….help.
Okay, so maybe this whole "outside assistance" thing wasn't the best of ideas. Honestly, I'm better off writing about what pleases me and not worrying about the number of views. To quote Chasing Amy, if I even get ten views I feel like John Grisham.
Stop your whining, pathetic human! Mr. Zurkon is wanting to KILL you.
Just wondering…Do you have any other hobbies than genocide?
Mr. Zurkon likes to boogie. On the corpses of his enemies.
Yeah…I'm done. Until next time, kids.
Currently Playing: Final Fantasy XIII, Virtua Fighter 4
Currently Listening To: Minus the Bear – Throwin’ Shapes
Will Harrison still can’t beat Rachel Jagielski in Virtua Fighter. Luckily, her Uno skills are lacking. Have any advice for either of us? Get a hold of him at firstname.lastname@example.org.