This post has not been edited by the GamesBeat staff. Opinions by GamesBeat community writers do not necessarily reflect those of the staff.
Greetings to the slathering tube fed jackals colloquially known as 'internet nerds'. I am Meyeselph (AKA Jeffrey Sandlin) and I have had it.
I have experienced years of frustration and unsatisfying interactions with other people and the increasingly unsatisfactory media in America. With the new problems I've encountered in the past few months of being desperately poor and severely depressed I've finally reached a point where I can take no more punishment from the world's stupid people and stupid stories made by stupid people. I've had it with this world! You're tearing me apart, Lisa!
in this production, Lisa is played by blind luck, circumstance, and people who get to be more successful then me because I suck.
So what is a guy to do? If you said suicide you obviously lack creativity. FOR SHAME!
No, I have something much more fun in mind. I'm going to insult everything and everyone I can possibly find time for. Things I like, things I don't like, things I've never even heard of! I'll insult them all in my brand new Insult the World Initiative.
Why do you ask? I'm doing this because the world damn well had it coming. You all know it by now, and it's time to dole out some overdue 'you suck' notices.
The Bitmob arm of this new endeavor is, of course, dedicated to video games. I will start out by insulting a cross section of popular games in the following article and then open up the comments to suggestions. No matter what game you ask me to insult I will do my best to find time to do so. Popular or obscure, good or bad, everything deserves a little ridicule. So for now lets get to the opening salvo.
God damn Halo. A series with the best fucking start you can get but with each and every game released in the series the game's creators shove their head up their own ass a little further. About now I'm pretty sure they are tonguing at the inside of their own small intestine. When they leave to stick their head up Activision's ass 343 studios will step in to take a flying leap and probably get lodged permanently up to the ankles in the rotting tunnel of the franchise.
Call of Duty
Why the fuck is this even considered a good franchise at this point? Every other game in the series is made by the janitor and even the decent games in the series were made by prima donna con artists with almost no talent. Anyone can make a game where some guys shout 'ooh rah' while you shoot brown people and Russians. Call me when someone makes Call of Duty: Candyland. I'd storm gum drop mountain in pink and red camo from a little girl's section in a department store before I spend another moment shooting my way through fakeplaceistan.
Hike up that skirt, affix your glittery bayonet and take back that chocolate factory! MOVE MOVE MOVE!
Gears of War
That still exists? I haven't payed attention to it since I beat the first on in co op in a day and laughed It back to the used video game store. The game shows all the design sense of a twelve year old making a penis with his Lego bricks and the writing was made with a fucking random word generator and the guiding phrase 'steroids are cool'
Super Smash Brothers
Wow! Remember when you still remembered what the fuck those three words meant? One of the most popular franchises Nintendo ever lucked into and the last game's biggest innovation was you randomly tripping and falling on your fucking face. Well that and being the first smash brothers game ever released that didn't get people giving a shit about them making a sequel. That's pretty innovative for a Nintendo property.
Legend of Zelda
Never have I seen a series waste so much time on story and have absolutely nothing to show for it. There is more character development in Gears of War and that was written on a bar napkin with the creator's vomit. So apparently what I'm really supposed to emotionally take away from Zelda is that a bunch of cardboard cutouts sword fight and throw magic and when I forget what they did I shouldn't worry because it will have no bearing on the story of the next game when they go back and recycle most of this one to make it.
Metal Gear Solid
Hideo Kojima is the master of pulling story and plot elements directly out of his ass. If he can't think of a way to resolve something in his game's story reasonably then here comes the crazy train. Packed full of it's precious cargo of what the fuck to make you wonder why you bother. Why do you try to convince yourself he is anything but a hobo on a soap box screaming about nuclear bombs and the internet controlling peoples minds? Then you laugh because the game made a joke about boobs and guys liking boobs.
Get it? Cuz Solid Snake raises?…….Such nuance.
Dead or Alive
I heard somewhere that Itagaki once claimed that he sees his characters like his children. Considering how he has treated his characters throughout the years we should probably never let him have kids and put him on watch for being a child pornographer. Not that he'd ever get in a steady relationship to have kids when his first reaction to a woman is to sexually harass them and every other women in a five mile radius.
Oh wait. I was supposed to be insulting the games….well I suppose that's just kind of low hanging fruit at this point. The series is dead anyway. Hrm…uh….countering is too strong a tactic and unbalances the strategy of the game…..which is….dumb.
When you spend this long trying to make your stupid game series work in 3D when no one asked you to and you still can't get it fucking right you should just shut the hell up and churn out a bunch of nostalgic titles till the series dies. Take a clue from Sonic the Hedgehog, guys. Stop trying and then apologize profusely for being so stupid.
Sonic the Hedgehog
Apologize more for being so fucking stupid. Were-hog my balls.
Super Mario Brothers
If Bowser kidnaps the Princess one more time I'm pretty sure Mario would be legally considered the kidnapper. I think this many times without taking steps to stop it from happening in the future qualifies as consent. You have an entire kingdom's resources at your disposal, you insufferable moron woman. Figure something out!
Years of build up of Samus Aaron as a mysterious female main character and it's revealed in Other M that shes….basically Princess Peach or Princess Zelda only she stole Mega man's arm cannon. Fawking Bowl Sheeet!
While we are on the subject why in the hell do they keep making these fucking hard as hell games? I'm guessing that they have a deal with the console manufacturers to create artificial demand for controller sales by causing us to break them over our knee. Also Mega Man Legends 3 is Japan's Duke Nukem Forever. It will generate a metric ass ton of buzz when it finally comes out and end up being a broken half assed piece of shit designed to steal fans of the franchise's money.
Duke Nukem Forever
Going to be a broken half assed piece of shit designed to steal fans of the franchise's money.
That's all for now. If you want more then suggest other games or franchises in the comments I can verbally degrade for my own (and hopefully, your) amusement.
While you are at it follow me at @Meyeselph on twitter where I am insulting people with personalized tweets on request for the #InsultTheWorld Campaign.
Feel free to post your request to me under #MakeMyInsult and I will go through your twitter feed and use whatever I find to then remind you how much of a crappy person you are for no charge.
Enjoy yourselves until next we meet and remember: Everything is stupid and we are all going to die.
If that is too depressing for you then remember this instead: Peace, love, and Pink Bunnies.